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Shadow of dreams....

	You don't know how hard it is, knowing what I know now
	You don't know how hard it is, knowing what I know now

You don't know this yet. You don't know how hard it is, to talk to you. You don't know how hard it is to smile when I see your name pop up on the screen. You don't know! You think it is easy for me, you think I smile on this side of the screen. You don't know what I know. At least, not yet. You will soon though.
I have been in your life and you in mine, for 20 months now. You placed a ring on my finger, I said I would marry you. Then one night it all changed. Yes, that night. You know the one I speak of. The night that you keep apologizing to me for. Just so I won't leave. That night that you asked if you could cheat on me cause I wouldn't give you what you wanted. My morals are to high for you. That is what you said. You told me that you have thought three times of breaking off the engagement.. You told me.
You told me that when we got married you would have a mistress. You told me you wanted me to convert to a religion that I do not understand. You told me that you would not allow my God into your house.
You take my freedoms away. I can not speak, I can not write, I can not feel around you. I am afraid of you. Ever since that one night. No not the night last week. The OTHER night. Yes, that night! The night where you tried to force me to break my morals. I could have called the cops. Perhaps I should have. I didn't. I thought I loved you, and I do.
I know what I must do because you will not. Because I know this. I also know I will break your heart, and your families hearts. They took me in, they named me their own blood. To them I am family, but to you it appears I am nothing. I wear your mother's ring around my neck, it hangs next to the pendant on the necklace that you gave me for Christmas. You never had time to size it.
I know what I must do, and you don't know. Not yet! But you will soon.
I must give your mother back her ring. I must apologize to her, for it is her heart I cry for breaking not yours. You have already shattered mine. I have picked up the peices by myself, you would not help!
I do this because I love you. I feel the feeling is not mutual. You can find someone better than I. You can find a girl that will do what you wish, someone with less morals than I. Someone that will love you, day and night. Someone that is willing to conform to your religion. Someone that will make you happy. You will make her happy to. You made me happy once. When you loved me, not my body. I liked it better that way.
I know what I must do. This is why I can't smile when I speak with you. When your name pops up on my screen. My heart jumps, but then takes a dive, committing suicide to itself because it knows what I know. It shatters it self so you can't do it again.
I know you will find someone. I now you will be happy.
I wish you nothing less. Nothing less than good luck, and much happiness. I'm sorry I can not give it to you.
Though, you do not know it yet.

You will soon.
From the bottom of what is left of my heart,

User Image - Blocked by "Display Image" Settings. Click to show.

Tell me I can't,
I'll prove that I can.

Tell me that I'm not worth it,
I'll show you that I'm worth more.

Love me or hate me
Take me or leave me

But you won't change me.
I am confident. I am strong. I know who I am.

shadow_kaija · Mon Feb 02, 2009 @ 02:25pm · 1 Comments


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