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Hey all... random post. I'm just bored out of my mind right now.... And I miss Kyou-kun.... such a happy figure, in his own little way...I really wish that I could see him more often.....
*sigh* I have nothing really to say... I've got writer's block... evil s**t. bye.
 EngelerDeamon · Thu May 26, 2005 @ 08:05pm · 0 Comments |
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Tired. Really tired. And depressed. But, hey, what else is new? Scared still, from this weekend? Not really. I'm not in Boone or near mountains, so I feel halfway safe again.
He's probably disgusted with me. I have nothing to say, though, that could possiblely comfort Aito. And if I did, I wouldn't know what to say. No words I said would comfort him; not at all. Yet....
I hate being silent, unable to say anything to help. I hate being so useless, and so easily frightened. I don't know why I was so scared. After all, every day I face and write and dream a thousand demons. What makes these so special? Especially when, in my mind, all of my demons are just as real and dangerous, if not more so?
Those want to harm my shuchan. And I don't think I'm strong enough to defend him.
Besides, I don't think those are real demons. It would make it easier for me, less frightening definitely, to think of them as limbo beasts, as earthbound. Earthbound: the cast out of Heaven and rejected of Hell. Call them earthbound, because shadow beast implies dear Shadow had a hand in their making.
And the idea of that is far more terrifying than the first reason.
What will I do about this? I'll get strong, of course. I'll get strong, and I'll learn. I'll learn to meditate, to focus my energy, to protect and heal. I'll learn all of those things because I hate the idea of fighting (right now) and because then I can help more. I'll learn to astrally project, to open my eyes and see the astral realm all the time. I'll learn, and I'll become strong, because that's what I want. And it doesn't matter who else wants it. Because if I don't, then I would have no real want to do this.
Shuchan doesn't want me involved. The mental breakdown I had is reason enough. But dammit if I'll let that stop me. I was involved from the moment he ever started this. Maybe not right then, right there, but I was involved because he was in danger.
Half-way through remembering that night now. Not in linear order, but I keep remembering more and more. I think sheer stupid pride would make me learn everything now, even if shuchan wasn't involved. So ******** scared and useless. How can I protect him if I can't even stay sane when I haven't seen them?!
Yes, this has me angry. I'm supposed to protect, I'm supposed to, not shuchan. And yet the first time I really come into contact witht them, I freak out and have a hysterical breakdown. What the hell is my problem?
Scared for no reason! Shuchan isn't scared, or at least he hides it well, and look at me! Some damn protector I am....
Yes, if I go and snap and am otherwise oddly behaving, I don't think I recovered from Friday night's breakdown. If it helps me out, if it keeps me breathing and able to reason, I don't care if I ever get control of it again. I don't care if I die trying to do this; I looked like a fool and the one being I desired, no, desire to protect had to protect me. I'll go laughing to the looney bin the whole way. Hysterics are common enough now, so common that laughter could make me crack right apart. Don't worry though, because insanity is what is keeping me alive right now, let's me breath and ignore any fear I have of the dark. If I stay crazy, then I can laugh full of insanity as I face down these shadow beasts, these earthbound. I can laugh and smile and sit in the midst of chaos and hell and do what I'm best at, what I work at, what I will be good at. Insanity, I have a feeling, will keep me alive and well far longer than anything else.
Of course, I'm probably a fool for thinking this. I'd probably risk getting killed far quicker if I do this. But you only live once, or at least, I'll only live once and remember it. So why not live a little and be a bit daring?
Shuchan probably won't be happy with my desicion. In fact, I know he won't. But as long as I act sane, act normal, how could he know or suspect my almost suicidal wishes to help, to become the protector and guardian of him my pride demands? What type of shield can one be if they don't take a little bit of a beating? I'll make myself strong or die trying, because I don't want to be left behind like some sort of sweetling (as Shadow always calls me), waiting for my knight to return. There's too much worry, too much stress. I won't be weak, not when he needs me to be strong. But... but, I don't want to have him fighteing while I stay behind and fret. And even if I never wanted to learn how to attack, to be offensive, I will if it means shuchan's safety. I don't want him to be harmed. If I have to, I'll become the sword and shield of my love.
Crazy and insane much? As a matter of fact, I am very much so. I can almost trace the shatter lines of my mind, and my finger become bloody when they brush the edges. Bone can be seen when my hands clutch these pieces and try to hold them together, keep the broken pieces safe. The pieces of my mind reflect a thousand images I almost lose, and the pretty colors are making me laugh inside as they dance about me. If I can't learn to astrally project, to see astrally, in this defeaning silence of gorgous colors, I never will. If I can't learn to control my insanity and concentrate, when will I? What better time then when my will is so strong and mind so fresh and chaotic and newborn?
Tell me that, my friends, and I might reconsider my desicion. Tell me why I shouldn't worry about protecting shuchan, and I might reconsider. Give my pride and my sense of loyatly to him a reason, a good reason, and I can accept staying behind like a weak sweetling.
EngelerDeamon · Wed Apr 06, 2005 @ 03:05am · 0 Comments |
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I drew him because I wanted something to do. But now, looking at him, I realize that I know him. It was supposed to be Cassiel, but it warped to someone who wasn't Cassiel, to someone whose name is on my tongue, waiting for me to voice it. But when I open my mought to call to him, I cannot speak or remember his name.
Do you know me, stranger? Are you the cynical angel I called for? I don't know. I just know, as I look into your eyes (which are a sharp blue fire though this picture is in grays and blacks and whites), that you know me, know my life, know my soul. You have silken blond gold hair falling over your face, yet the restis a deep tasting color, one I don't know the name of. Long nails, beautifully manicured and well-cared for, painted the color of hematite. You're wearing a feather on a leather cord, a soft blue one; one of your own, perhaps? You have skin that is the faintest of dark creams, a hint of tan I can't explain.
Would you tell me your name? Would you tell me your name? I can taste it in my mouth, a name sweet as sin, pure as Heaven, and rich as german chocolate cake. When I move my tongue, open my mouth to speak it, the taste moves and swirls, catching my throat. It's as if I shouldn't speak it, not yet, maybe not ever.
I can feel you, you know. Now that I've drawn you, I can sense you, the faintest presence on the back of my mind, as if you are leaning over and watching me with those deep eyes. You hair spills down your back, doesn't it? Not far, maybe just between your shoulder blades, but it's not short by any means. You lean over and watch what I write, don't you? You watch, and a flicker of amusement is in your eyes, though you certainly aren't smiling. I don't think you smile often, do you?
I wish I could remember you. Or maybe you've always been there and today is the first I've noticed. All I want is a name... but names are too powerful to use carelessly. For now, I'll just call you Kyo. Is that okay? It is not nearly as beautiful and sweet as the name in my mind that I can't say, but it is beautiful.
EngelerDeamon · Tue Apr 05, 2005 @ 03:10am · 0 Comments |
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Send me an angel. Send me a heavenly creature. Send me an angel to guide me this night. Send me an angel to keep me from going insane. Send me an angel to let me know that he's okay. Send me an angel, please.
Send me one with the most beautiful wings and the most cynical personality. Send me the one that you dislike most, please, and I'll be happy.
Send me one who is six foot four, and thin as a willow branch, like me. Send me one with bright yellow hair, who seems like a dithering fuss through his cynicism. Send me one that can wax philosophy, and who will discuss religion with me, though he knows the answers to all of my questions.
Send me one who will comfort me, and has beautiful blue eyes. Deep blue eyes that look like crystal blue flower petals, so pure and innocent, nevermind he's killed hundreds of demons and wrecked havoc on the human world when he needs to.
Send me an angel, please. Right now. Maybe he can help me hold onto my sanity? Send me a nice angel who has sarcasm done to an art that can barely be sensed because he's such a master of it. Send me an angel who has been so changed by his contact with the human race that he will be able to enjoy my company and we can be cynical and depressed together. Send me an angel that makes all the others fear that he will fall, though in truth he is nowhere near such a thing. Send me Lucifer's brother, perhaps, or maybe another who knew him and forgot of him.
Can you hear me, this night? Will you indulge in this, will you send me an angel to help me through this night?? I have to be strong for him, you know. I can't crack and be broken apart when he comes back. You know that, right? So help me. Hilfen mir, that's what I ask you to do. Let me get through this one night, and I'll be happy. Because then she won't worry more when she gets back. Do you understand that?
So send me an angel. He does't need to be the most beautiful one that you have. Just send me one, please? Danke. Sie werden mir diesen Nacht hilfen, ja? Danke.
Danke fuer der Engel.
EngelerDeamon · Sun Apr 03, 2005 @ 03:18am · 0 Comments |
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So yeah.... I'm utterly depressed and scared out of my mind. I mean, truly terrified. I had never felt real fear until last night, and I now I know exactly what it is.
In my entire life, I have always been able to remember what scares me, an experience that has terrified me. Always. I can tell you some from when I was three. Never have I had my mind block out what happened. Never. Ever ever ever.
And guess what finally happened....
Last night was terrifying. I remember so little of it... but I do remember the distinct feeling of fear, that fear that ate at me and made me wish that I was dead. It wouldn't go away, a fear for those around, a fear my own life, because I was scared of something I couldn't even see.
I understand that there are spirits all over the place. I understand that quite well, though once you go into the gods you get me kinda lost and shakey. But, yeah, I can believe in spirits. Which means, in turn, that I can believe in angels (extremely good spirits) and demons (really bad spirits). And when your boyfriend is a Wiccan, it's kinda easy to get involved with them. Unfortunately.
A bunch of s**t happened. I know that. I don't know what kind of s**t, but I know it was bad, because I remember the comment, "Everyone to the basement, and for those who want to stay behind, I'll bodily throw them over my shoulder and carry them down there, half the skin on my back missing or not." I remember clutching at Komagarou in the dark, the pitch black of a room that seemed to have no end. I remember being asked about still speaking to Shadow, I remember the chills of fear racing down my spine and throughout my heart and body when something was said. I remember when the lights finally came back on laughing at things though I didn't know why I was laughing. I remember hands stroking my long hair. I remember nearly having a heart attack when someone turned the lights back off, the thundering of people racing down steps above us scaring me even further. I remember rain drenching me, I remember drinking water and eating blue sprinkles and a strawberry shortcake. I remember crying because I couldn't stop.
I'm ******** 24 years old, and I've never been scared of the dark. Now? Now the idea of being alone is terrifying. And guess what? It's ******** pitch black here where my boyfriend lives right now. Snow is gusting around outside, and I'm ready to die, I've got every bloody light in this godforsaken holy hell of a place on, and I still feel terrified though I know that they've got enough charms and wards on it to likely destroy half of the world. Does that change the fact I'm scared out of my bloody mind by the things lurking in the dark that I can't see, the things that are likely right outside the window that's not even a yard away??? Hell no!
Yeah... s**t like this is what makes me comtemplate becoming wiccan.
Guess what?? Currently, my boyfriend is out there fighting that s**t. With friends, of course, because otherwise he might get killed, but I don't care. And I had to stay behind because he's terrified that I'll get killed.
******** kill me and get it over with. Then he won't have to worry about me.
Yeah. I've gone crazy, I know. I'm trying to put myself back together, but it's not working too well. Whatever happened last night has got me insane, ********, and I can't think of anyway to fix it. so far, I'm just kinda riding the waves. Nevermind that I can barely remember anything without an effort, and trying to remember what my mind has locked away is giving me the hugest ******** headache in the world.
I hate life.
EngelerDeamon · Sun Apr 03, 2005 @ 12:39am · 0 Comments |
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I'm back for just a tad bit more madness. Forgive me for my chattyness.
A note: If you enjoy reading this cynical stuff, there's much more to be found here. It's one of my many online journals, reserved spefically for ranting and otherwise being mopey.
A very pretty thing, in my opinion, and the background picture came from good ol' Gaia!
There's that fear again. That fear that comes from love, that overtakes your mind and makes you wonder what the point is in trying anymore. I'm starting to notice a pattern to this maddness: all of it revolves around him. I wonder if, one day, I should show these to him? Would he be able to stand up to them, would I ruin the happiness we would have at that moment?
How funny, that I'm so terrified of such a beautiful creature. He moves like the lightest of breezes, so graceful and gentle, and his eyes laugh at everything. His voice is the voice of a hundred poems I could never write, even at my best. I have fallen in love with someone with the body of an angel... and I have yet to decide if he has the heart of one yet.
Oh, he has his moments of beauty and bliss. He has those moments of perfection. I just wish that they would last more often.
More often, I am haunted and terrified by someone with the body of an angel and the soul of a demon. Which is funny, because that is where I recieved my name. Should I tell him that? I don't think so.
If he really is a demon on the inside, then I have been shaped and formed into the ugly thing I am now by him. But if he is not... then am I simply not beautiful enough for him to enjoy my company? *sighs* I wish I knew the answers to these questions, and all of my questions of love.
~fin~
A question if anyone reads this: Where would be a better place for this thread to be read and get comments? I don't really know of one. Thanks much.
EngelerDeamon · Wed Mar 30, 2005 @ 05:34pm · 0 Comments |
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I can't find him, not today. I can't find him at all. I'm in a full-blown panic, because without him I cannot live, cannot breath, cannot seem to function. Even when we are miles and miles apart, I can always count on him. Yet I cannot find him for once, and I fear a mishap, or wose: he has at last tired of me and hates me.
Such a sick and sad thing, isn't it? The loss of someone that one loves, the loss over something that is said. Words have little meaning, yet people take them to heart because we cannot hear the things that are meant. Why can people not accept each other in a much more graceful manner??
I cry tears of blood for him, I rip my soul apart and try to fix it in the way he would want. Why? Because I love him. I don't know how, I don't know why, but I love him, and I always will. Can I never ever be able to hold me and soothe away the pain that I caused him with my careless words? Will he give me no second chance to try and prove that I do love him and that nothing I ever so carelessly say will change that?
Or has he been the one to change, has he been the one who can no longer love me? The thought has crossed my mind more than once. Much more than once. He has changed from the being he was, has changed and now cannot love the person he once did. He hates me because I have stayed the same. He doesn't seem to realize that the being I am today was shaped and created by him, molded by his own careless actions.
I laugh at that. I was a being he loved for the longest time, and then one day, he turned away from me, left me to defend myself. And what did I do? Why, it's quite simple. I had only a demon as protection and guidance at the time, so I built my walls, and I built them fast. I created a cynical and cruel b*****d who would not allow for trust. And he hated that person I created to defend myself. How funny, since he was the one who had betrayed my trust the most, the one who had helped the most in creating that cruel b*****d.
Should I really care so much, when I look at it that way? I doubt it. But I will, always will care, because I have fallen head over hills in love with him and I don't want it anymore. I am scared of him, scared of the pain that he can so actively cause just by not accepting the person he created. I am scared of him because he will leave one day, and I will have little idea what to do. I attempt to seal the rift that has formed between us. But in the end, will anything that I do stop it, will anything that I do matter?
To that question, I have no answer.
EngelerDeamon · Tue Mar 29, 2005 @ 10:27pm · 0 Comments |
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Is it so bad to be terribly in love with someone you've never really liked, who you know absolutely hates your guts? Is it wrong to want to be with that person, for that person to love you? Is it wrong to desire only that person's attentions, so you've become afraid to stop being hated because you don't want to be forgotten.
That's what she seems to think, all of the time. She doesn't realize that being loved and being hated are two totally opposite things that are so close together that they can barely be seperated, and that seperation is only caused by a line so thin, so blurry, that it is nearly impossible to see the differences. She doesn't realize that love can meld into hate as easily as hate into love.
How would you tell her? How would you tell her so she could understand? She only has the simpliest and most basic understanding of emotions anymore, only the most basic and stupidest understanding. She can't get it through her head that she is not wanted, that she is not loved, that no one wants her to be there. She can't understand the hate that is felt for her because she is simply so thick-skulled, because no one can quite like someone who just doesn't at least TRY to understand what is going on, how others feel. She is only just above beast; but, then again, there must be some humans close to the beasts. Otherwise, how would humans be able to be so close to angels? *chuckles a bit* But then again, it seems that we humans, as a whole, enjoy to kill anyone among us that might resemble an angel in any way, because we hate to see the things that make us look bad.
Isn't that funny? Her own downfall is caused by the very fact that humanity simply doesn't want to help her better herself, almost as if they fear they will be made to look like fools. Oh, they help her every now and then, but only to make themselves feel better, and to make them look good to the rest of humanity. She has become a tool for betterment, nevermind that helping her for such a cause makes them even more vile and disgusting than they already were.
Could she ever truly understand love, with no help from the rest of her kind? Could she ever understand it, be able to feel it in its purest form, and to hold that emotion tight to her breast as she walks through life? I doubt it. How could someone ever do that, especially if they are not able to comprehend any other emotion?
But perhaps if we could only comprehend love, we would not be nearly so terribly painful to the rest of our kind. Perhaps we might have a world that is not so firmly based on technology, perhaps we might have a fantasy land that angels and demons fight over and that adventurers hunt dragon's gold in. If only... but such dreams should never be contemplated long, if only because of the depression that is sure to follow such thoughts.
Even if she were to obtain the help that she needed, would she be able to hold on to it for long? Would she be able to make him love her, make that hate change into the opposite, make him cross that blurry line which no one can quite find the location of? Or is he so far into hate that it would be impossible for such things, is he too far in that opposite degree to ever come near that line that could be his downfall? Most likely, considering the person. If grudges are held, if hearts turn to stone and refuse to change, if dreams are fixed on things far different, then there is no reconcilation of two beings, there is no ability to stand the other. And, once again, she would hate him for hating her, hate him for being himself.
The humour is not lost on me, only a bystander. She loves him, but she hates him, too. And of course, he's not going to stop hating her, at least, I hope he doesn't, if only because it is a type of entertainment. If he ever did fall in love with her, it would be a fairy tale story come to life, and that might make me ill.
This is not a world for happy endings.
With muck and ire and tar everywhere, a happy ending is not fit here. This is not a place where one can always live happily ever after, and to have such a thing occur is almost certain to bring disaster upon them. Rather stay with the current pain that cannot be lost than gain a new one that hurts far worse because you thought that all the fairy dreams had come to life (you shouldn't believe in fairy tale dreams, sweet girl, until you see them).
So, should I continue to laugh at such a terrible event? Hate is a love of sorts, and she should be content with that. It is far better than love itself, which can bring about a disaster far worse. For what if that person decides to leave one day, handing back a broken heart that can barely beat? She is not strong enough to withstand such a thing, not anymore. Too much pain in her life already, and I'm just kind of hoping that she doesn't ever fall in love now, at least not with someone who will love her back, until she can become strong again. Which is rather ironic, considering it all. A fairy tale ending or a life of pain? Considering the options, the way that fate seems to stab people in the back, which is to be preferred? It's quite obvious what I would go with. But maybe she would like that fairy tale, that dream to live in. I wouldn't blame her.
Fairy tales are fine places to go, but only for a short time. Reality is much more interesting, if painful. And it is far more humourous than those fairy tales you create for yourself.
Ah, poor little princess, what would you choose?
EngelerDeamon · Wed Mar 23, 2005 @ 08:56pm · 0 Comments |
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Ever been scared that the slightest little thing that you say might make the person you hold dearest just up and leave?
Probably not. But I guess that's not something you should have to deal with, is it?
You don't see it, do you? You don't see that the not callng is fear, you don't see that the want to change is fear, fear of you leaving. How could you? You should have no fear, for it is obvious that there is no desire to leave. Otherwise, why would these changes be happening, why would so much effort be put into it? You don't need to see it, though. You don't need to understand the pain and fear that now rule a life that once had nothing to fear, nothing to pain it as this does.
You shouldn't feel guilty, though. Sometimes, people need a little shove. Sometimes. Not all the time. And some people do actually realize later that they need that shove. What they wouldn't give to have known sooner, but you never speak out until it is too much. Have you noticed that, love? Have you noticed that you never say anything until it is too much for you to bear, and then you snap and leave them all alone and tears, only just now realizing what it is that they have been doing wrong, and not having known before then? *chuckles* Probably not. But you aren't the one who is so drastically affected by that, are you? You just sit back and enjoy the bounty of what it is that this brings you.
Forgive those that sound harsh and bitter about how you let them know what is that you think of their behavior. Forgive those who cannot change quick enough to make the fear finally settle back down in the recesses of their mind. But perhaps that will never again happen, not after this last explosion, not after this last pain.
Do you even care about that? Do you even care that you cause such fear in the heart of those that care for you most? Do you notice the way that they try to avoid you now, even though they should have nothing to truly fear of you? The flinch is stuck inside of the mind, just waiting to become physical when you at last snap at them. The blood is just beneath the surface, waiting for the strike that will bruise and cause it to flow from a wound. Just waiting. A mind comes up with thousands of scenarios, each worse than the last, of how you will leave them because they cannot change every time to how you would desire it. Blood and feathers dance before their eyes as they dream nightmares every night of how you finally left them. They can't comprehend what others tell them, that you will not leave them for something so small and trivial, because that fear has been woken, woken and is now running rampant in a mind that is so easily persaded by anything dealing with you.
What have you done to her? What have you done to that beautiful girl that once was able to hold her own, that once feared nothing? What is it that you hold that can so easily destroy her very way of life, that can tame that monster that rests just beneath the exterior of an angel? Do you hold the cross of silver that repells demons, do you threaten her with it when she does wrong? Do you hold the bane of her, the thing that will at last cause her to die? What thing is it that you possess that can cause her to fear that much?
Or maybe it is what she possess that makes her afraid. Maybe she is scared by that monster inside because it can so easily harm you. But you do hold something don't you?? Not nearly as tangible as could be expected, but it is there, nonetheless. You hold her heart, her soul, and her mind, and she doesn't want you to break them, not again, though you've done it before, haven't you? You were such a careless owner, and even after you put them back together, even after you've hurt her, she still waits and fears you breaking them. Maybe there is something wrong with her?
It is different, perhaps. Perhaps you are the thing that is meant to tame that monster, to create something out of a barbarian, to make the being seem more like that angelic exterior that everyone sees. Perhaps you are the thing that is the catalyst to make someone who will create a world that is slighty better for them and their loved ones, though not everyone. She doesn't have that strength, you see. Not without you, or so it seems studies would indicate.
What foolishness, yes? Foolishness to even have that person contemplate something like this. I laugh at the world that would create such a thing, for there can be no way that it would have happened did fate not have a sense of humour. After all, fearing the one that you love isn't exactly something that should be done, not unless there is violence of someone. But she's the one that is too clingy, she's the that is abusive in the realitionship. She is the one that must change for you, conform to what you would desire. But that is not so wrong, for she is nothing more than a monster that can never fully realize the potential her words have for pain, the ability of her inner self to cause destruction and chaos. You seem to be able to teach her that where no one else can. It seems that you can pull her back to reality.
I laugh at it all. I will just sit back and laugh at it all....
--My random thoughts of the day. Also, how I've been feeling about me and shuchan.....
EngelerDeamon · Wed Mar 23, 2005 @ 03:04am · 0 Comments |
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That's me in the lower right corner.