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Back in the Saddle Again
Lemme say, life has a funny way of things. Let me put this as a thirty year old female who probably some good 12+ years ago when I was in High School didn't imagine their life like this... trust me, there's many days I reflect on the things I could have or should have done. (And no, it's not a good idea to do it often, it's actually bad, and rather depressing at times.) I often wonder what could have happened if I'd actually trained my voice and pursued music, or chased my artistic abilities further... but alas, neither end went, and my more practical nature probably screwed me out of a few dreams too. Oh, and the realization that I just... apparently can't think outside the box enough for graphic design. C'est la vie.
But life, well, the reason I kind of fell out of Gaia awhile? Life. My dad had knee surgery, 2 phases, one for each knee, and there was recovery, and having to help with that, and job hunting. Oh the job hunting, and the depression that went along with not having a job. And then... then? My grandmother. I've been on and off during some of that, but between her, especially her, and some other things - well, it's been unpleasant. It's been a kick in the pants for the bipolar swings, and I've had no luck still finding a good solid solution for the moods, but I've decided enough was enough, and decided to come back. I'm over it enough and things are stable enough right now... and yes, I missed everyone and everything. I really did.
I ******** up with how I left; I admit it 100%. I should have acknowledged, talked, etc. I feel horrible for how it went really, leaving some hanging, etc. It's not my nature usually, and I'm having to accept I'm not the same person I used to be. I'm not at all. But I can do better. I can move on. And accept things as they are.
Hopefully this is the year I finally get married, and move on with my life in some ways. Moving out would be a huge help to my mood, aside new stresses of living a life with bills and needs and such over wants and trivialities. I need to find a way to thrive despite my seeming unemployability... (Not that I like that... at all... it blows!)
It could be worse, way worse! I admit it. I'm lucky enough in some regards, but really, this bipolar really just ... I've had a harder time as I've aged dealing with and coping with it, and I just need to accept maybe, just maybe, I have to learn to rely on myself to get through, since no medication seems capable of it without some pretty harsh side effects I'm unwilling to deal with. I refuse to deal with ones that bring more consequence, or cause me suffering or inability to function mentally without feeling like a fog lives in my brain. I can't. I can't be unfocused, especially in this world.
So here I am. It's not everything that happened, it's the basics. There's a lot more to the story that lead to things being the way they were. I don't want to get into all of it, really, it's not really a thing I want to share. (Not that personal per se, but yeah...)
I just have to buckle down, and accept things as they are. Maybe then I'll get to moving on the right way. Maybe then I'll find my path. And maybe I can quit dwelling on s**t I shouldn't. Human nature sometimes really sucks. *chuckles*
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