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Hm... You could call this another Journal entry I suppose, just with no title. It's been a while since I wrote in this, but then again the only things I ever wrote in this msn were emo poems while I was going through hell. But the question now is, has things really changed? ...No not really, I know things have gotten better since the years past by. But they have also gotten worse at the same time. I continue to wonder... Just where is the line that's been drawn ahead to the ground I stand on? Is there even a line for me?


I bet whoever reads this probably thinks this is a bit sad, stupid girl asking herself ridiculous questions like some loner. Well I have news for those that think that, I been through what it was like to be a loner, I also been through what it was like to be a bully, to be someone important. There was not a ******** day that passed by where I would be someone I am not. To the point where I don't even know what the ******** I really am anymore.

So much bullshit went on that now I can't tell who the ******** I am anymore, why I enjoy doing what I do. But something, or rather someone changes that a lot for me, whether I hate the person or not. It's like they control what goes on in my life every single day. Like the narrarater of a fiction novel. I can feel lots of regret for the things I have done, I can cry and cry until I cry myself to sleep. I can feel utterly horrible and terrified for the sins I have committed.

But then, when time passes, so does the mood. How is it that he can control my emotions? I have always noticed it for a long time now. It scares me more and more everyday. I can't be happy like this, but I can't live without it either. When we fight it's like all the regrett comes back to me, when he promises me something important I feel like I should change for the better.

But when there is no contact for a while... My heart changes from the sun to the moon, I become someone who is dead inside, craving for the pain of others, smiling to others misery. I don't know why it's like this, I just finally realise how it goes as of now after writing this all out. But the question is, how the hell can my emotions, me owner of my own body, be tangled up in strings?

It's how I feel everytime I think about this now. I am no different then a mere puppet who cannot make any move or speak without the puppet master to do it first. But once the strings are cut, and the puppet collapses. What use is it to anyone if it can no longer do anything? Replacement... that's all that is expected in the future of a puppet is replacement of something better...