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All of these funny one-liners are taken from here. Out of a total of 1200, I made a list of about 300 of the ones that I thought were the funniest. Enjoy! blaugh

Wisdom comes with age. Death comes with age. Therefore, wisdom is dangerous.
Some people are like slinkies: not really good for anything... but you can't help laughing when you push them down the stairs.
Outside of a dog, man's best friend is a book. Inside of a dog, it is very dark.
I've got a plan so cunning, you could put a tail on it and call it a weasel.
I spilled Spot Remover on my dog. He's gone now.
A bird in the hand makes blowing your nose difficult.
Every day, the hummingbird eats its own weight in food. You may wonder how it weighs the food. It doesn't. It just eats another hummingbird.
I think animal testing is a bad idea; they get all nervous, and give the wrong answers.
It's a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds die they would just stay right up there. Hunters would get all confused.
Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
It's a bird, it's a plane, it's a.. no, no, it's a bird.
Save a tree. Eat a beaver.
The more people I meet the more I like my cat.
Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.
You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, "My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!"
A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have trained for years and years can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.
There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
TV teaches us the big ultimate destroying robot always has an easily found and usable self destruct button.
Well aren't we a bloody ray of sunshine.
I don't know what your problem is, but I bet it's hard to pronounce.
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
I'd like to help you out; which way did you come in?
How can I miss you if you won't go away?
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. This wasn't it.
From the moment I picked your book up to the moment I set it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend to read it.
Well aren't you a waste of two billion years of evolution.
I don't have an attitude problem, it's supposed to be this way.
It's not that I'm antisocial, I'm just not friendly.
Nothing is quite so annoying as to have someone go right on talking when you're interrupting.
I'm sorry, do I resemble your therapist?
I think someone has to be listening to you for it to be an actual conversation.
I don't care where you go, as long as you get lost.

A mind is a terrible thing to waste; I'm glad they didn't waste one on you.
Next time you get the urge to think...don't.
Would you kindly shut your noise hole.
"Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit" as said by those incapable of its proper application and as such suffer from it a lot.
Next time you wave, use all your fingers.
Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
Why don't you slip into something more comfortable...like a coma.
If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
Whatever it is that's eating you, it must be suffering horribly.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
I have decided to live forever, or die in the attempt.
What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
Don't upset me.. I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Death is a part of life. It's just a lot less scary and painful than the rest of it.
I can't live with death; he's always leaving the toilet seat up.
Give me immortality or give me death.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that a hostage situation?
Guns don't kill people; death kills people. It's a proven medical fact.
He's not dead; he's electroencephalographically challenged.
Death is hereditary.
It is often said that before you die your life passes before your eyes. It is in fact true. It's called living.
Baby-sitter: a teenager acting like an adult, while the adults are out acting like teenagers.
Bachelor: the only man who has never told his wife a lie.
Boycott shampoo. Demand real poo!
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
Deja Fu: the feeling that somehow, somewhere, you've been kicked in the head like this before.
Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia: Fear of long words.
Leet: the art of finding the hardest possible way to say you did something simple.
Lite: the new way to spell "Light," now with 20% fewer letters!
A metaphor is like a simile.
Mortal: a generic pronoun for anyone, invented to solve the 'she/he' issue.
Stupidity: doing the same things over and over and expecting different results.
Vegetarian: Native American definition for "lousy hunter".
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
I got a fortune cookie once that said "You like Chinese food."
Two guys walked into a bar. The third one ducked.
If God had intended man to smoke, he would have set him on fire.
Drink wet cement - get stoned.
You can't scare me, I have children.

It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents. It's how he found out.
There are three ways to get things done: do it yourself, hire someone to do it, or tell your kids not to do it.
Kids in the backseat cause accidents. Accidents in the backseat cause kids.
My parents put us to sleep by tossing us in the air. Of course, you have to have low ceilings for this method to work.
There are two kinds of pedestrians: The quick and the dead.
If everything seems to be coming your way, you're probably in the wrong lane.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Drinking and driving is the biggest cause of vehicle damage in the world. Special effects are a close second.
You can get -anywhere- in ten minutes if you drive fast enough.
The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
Flying is not dangerous. Crashing is dangerous.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving isn't for you.
The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
A tree only hits an automobile in self-defense.
My check engine light came on the other day. I popped the hood and looked, and the engine is STILL there! Silly light..
If we quit voting, would they all go away?
In Capitalism, man exploits man. In Communism, it's exactly the opposite.
In Democracy, it's your vote that counts. In Feudalism, it's your count that votes.
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
The two most common things in the Universe are hydrogen, and stupidity.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
Never assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.
Oh yeah? You wanna step out of the giant robot and say that again?
7/5th of all people don't understand fractions.
Many people, when they run into a telephone pole, blame the pole.
I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent.
I can't dial 911.. There's no 11 on my phone.
You are depriving some village of its idiot.
You should always write your name on your underwear. See, I'm Machine Wash Cold.
There are no stupid questions, but there are a lot of inquisitive idiots.
I'm definitely, positively, maybe indecisive.
Never get into an argument with a schizophrenic and say "Who do you think you are?"
I'm not myself today. Maybe I'm you.
I'm trying to find myself. If I should return before I get back, please ask me to wait.
Paranoid Schizophrenic: Are you staring at us?
Power corrupts, but absolute power is kinda neat.
9 out of 10 voices in my head agree that I'm sane.
I used to be a kleptomaniac, but I took something for it.
My day is not complete until I terrify a complete stranger.

I think all humans suffer from an Identity crisis at some point in their life... Makes me glad I'm a rabbit.
I'm not paranoid! Which one of my enemies told you that?
Some people are on the edge. Some people are over it. I'm hang-gliding.
Some people say I'm indifferent, but I don't care.
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.
Always remember: one good turn gets most of the blankets.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend; but she left me before we met.
Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.
Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
Someone once told me that love makes the world go 'round. Well, I just had to laugh in their face because, c'mon, everyone knows that what makes the world go 'round is a mutant gerbil on a treadmill.
I ran into my ex the other day, hit reverse, and ran into him again.
Caution: Cape does not enable user to fly.
Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
It works better if you plug it in first.
When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to resemble a nail.
Of all the people I know, you're one of them.
Always turn the radio on BEFORE you listen to it.
Murphy's Law is recursive. Washing your car to make it rain doesn't work.
There is no gravity. The Earth sucks.
MURPHY'S LAW: If anything can go wrong, it will.
MURPHY'S LAW ADDITON: If anything that could go wrong doesn't go wrong, it would have been ultimately better for it to have gone wrong.
Law of the Non-smoker: The smoke in a room will always flow to the only non-smoker, despite the number of fans. If there are two non-smokers in the room, the smoke will split in half to equally antagonize them.
When I was born, I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
I intend to live forever. So far, so good!
Never take life seriously; nobody gets out alive anyway.
I was born at a very early age.
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
Do not follow me, for I may not lead. Do not lead me, for I may not follow... Go over there somewhere.
A day without sunshine is like.. well, night.
This is not something to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown, with great force.
When in doubt, mumble.
I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
Give some people an inch, and they think they are rulers.
I always win. Except win I lose, but then I just don't count it.
Who am I? I'm indecision. I'm everything. I'm nothing. And I may even be both.
Bad spellers of the world, untie!

Constipated people don't give a crap.
Worry is the first time you can't do it a second time; panic is the second time you can't do it the first time.
Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
Borrow money from pessimists; they don't expect it back.
I don't blame Congress. If I had $600 billion, I'd be irresponsible too.
They say a picture is worth a thousand words, yet the guy at the gallery wouldn't trade me that painting for my newspaper.
It's been a rough day.. I put a shirt on and a button fell off. Picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
This would be really funny if it weren't happening to me.
Everything is possible, except skiing through revolving doors.
If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants.
I'm not a pessimist. I'm just optimistically challenged.
Good morning is an oxymoron.
To do is to be [Descartes]. To be is to do [Voltaire]. Do be do be do [Frank Sinatra].
I doubt, therefore I might be.
A slice of bread will always land peanut-butter side down. If, by chance, you put peanut-butter on both sides of the slice, it will float forever.
European Economic Community fries.
It takes 250,001 Americans to screw in a lightbulb. 1 to do it..and 250,000 to debate if it was politcally correct.
My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician.
The previously arriving feathered vertebrate procures the invertebrate crawler.
Refrain from lamenting over precipitately scattered lacteal fluid.
It's hard to be religious when certain people are never incinerated by bolts of lightning.
When did I realize I was God? Well I was praying, and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.
There is nothing two people can't do as long as one of them is God.
668: the neighbor of the Beast.
Hail to the sun god, he sure is a fun god, Ra, Ra, Ra!
There was a time when all people believed in God and the church ruled.
This time was called the Dark Ages.
That was Zen. This is Tao.
It's all fun and games until some divine creature strikes you down with a bolt of lightning.
The dyslexic theorist suffering insomnia is still up all night pondering if there is a Dog.
You say heretic like it's a bad thing.
VISA is the mark of the beast. VI = 6 in Roman numberals. S = 6 in Greek, and supposedly A = 6 in Babylonian. So VISA = 666. Cute.
My Karma ran over your Dogma.
Welcome to the Church of the Holy Cabbage. Lettuce pray...
Deja Vu - When you think you're doing something you've done before, it's because God thought it was so funny, he had to rewind it for his friends.
College would be great if it weren't for all the classes.
I'm failing geometry because I refuse to believe that pie are squared.

Today in English we learned absolutely nothing about killing mockingbirds.
I think I'll skip English tomorrow. There are just certain aspects of Moby I don't want to know about.
Pencils and pens are now illegal on school campus; this was made law after a student successfully proved that a sharpened pencil was, in fact, a weapon.
I got kicked out of wood working for not wearing my safety goggles while sawing off another kid's left arm.
In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.
Photons have mass?! I didn't even know they were Catholic...
The surest sign that there is intelligent life somewhere in the Universe is that it hasn't tried to contact us.
Duct tape is like the force, it has a Light side and a Dark side and it holds the Universe together.
The speed of time is one second per second.
There's no such thing as a great discovery; there are just very fortunate accidents.
The nice thing about Windows - it does not just crash; it actually displays a dialogue box and lets you press OK first.
Error : Press any key except.. no, No, NO NOT THAT ONE!
To err is human, but to really screw things up requires a computer.
Programmer: An ingenious device that converts caffeine into code.
How do I set my laser printer on stun?
Do files get embarrassed when they're unzipped?
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.
Error 7.0b1 - The item could not be deleted because it was missing.
WARNING: Keyboard Not Attached. Press F10 to Continue.
Bad Command or File Name. Good try, though.
Hit any user to continue.
This calls for a particularly subtle blend of psychology and extreme violence.
Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
Hi-ho, hi-ho, it's hand grenades I throw..
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
There are few problems that can't be solved with high explosives.
Football combines the two worst things about American life. It is violence, punctuated by committee meetings.
When all you have is an axe, every problem seems like hours of fun.
Warning: Trespassers will be shot
Warning: Survivors will be shot again
Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy someone else to shoot at.
When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.
Having failed to conquer myself, the best hope now is to arrange an alliance with myself.
Try to look unimportant, the bad guys may be low on ammo.
Things that must be together to work cannot usually be shipped together.
It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.

Claymores are labeled "This Side Towards Enemy" for a reason.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
I used up all my sick days, so I called in dead.
I wasn't sleeping. I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance.
9 out of 10 doctors will agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.
There are only two enterprises that refer to their customers as "users," and one is illegal.
Drink coffee! Do stupid things faster with more energy!
When you work here, you can name your own salary. I named mine "Louie".
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
How young can you die of old age?
If the number 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still number 2?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
What if there were no hypothetical situations?
Will your answer to this question be no?
Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets are dressing up as mattresses?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
If vampires have no reflection, how come they have such neat hair?
If you throw a kitten out of a moving car, would it be considered kitty litter?
How do Keep Off The Grass signs get there?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why is an alarm clock going "off" when it actually turns on?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconuts, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why do they call it "getting your dog fixed," when afterward, it doesn't work anymore?
What do picket sign writers put on their signs when they go on strike?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do they all have to drown?
Why do ballerinas stand on their toes? Can't they just get taller women?
If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected the expected?
How is it that "Fat Chance" and "Slim Chance" mean the same thing?
If a building is on fire, and you make more fire, would it be considered making the fire worse or better?
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