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Well, I'm scared. Today I plan on talking to an old friend I haven't seen in years. When I use "old friend," though, it's rather dubious.
Let me break it down for those of you who don't know what the ******** I'm talking about:
I had a crush on this girl in second grade. Unfortunately, she didn't like me that much (she probably thought I was ugly, like most girls did at the time...stupid bitches.)
Anyway, if I recall, one day I decided to write her some sort of love note, just to say "Hey, b***h, look at me!"
And it worked. Holy ******** Jesus Christ on a ten-speed bicycle, did it work.
Now, let me remind you of something called the "Cootie Law", an unwritten elementary school law that states that no boy may hang out with a girl or vice versa lest they catch the "cooties", which, to a ten year old, is about as vile as catching the Bubonic Plague, AIDS, or shopping at Wal-Mart.
Thus, even though she and I became fast friends, we really couldn't hang out with each other that much. There was one time where she actually decided to hang out with me (yeah, I know: her hanging out with me; the world must be ******** ending) because she was a) bored and b) rejected by her female peers. Or maybe she was just bored.
Or wanted to eat my brains.
But god, did I love her...or at least I thought it was love at the time. We were friends until high school. She was very kind and loving to me, though I think to her I felt more like a retarded little brother than a boyfriend.
Now, before I get into the details, let me give a warning to everyone: NEVER FALL IN LOVE. EVER. It will ruin your life forever (and ever...lol).
One day she gives me the news I've been suspecting for a bit: she already found a boyfriend. It was over the phone, and I can remember her words clearly enough: "<name removed>, I know you like me and all, but I've found a boyfriend. I didn't want to tell you because I was afraid of hurting your feelings." (I said "clearly enough," not "exact." wink
Cue the sentimental music.
Saying I was sad would've been an understatement. If the pain I was feeling then were a weight, I would've been crushed under it. Holy ********, was that the worst day of my life.
So naturally, "loving" her and knowing her for so long, and thinking there was something between us, I went gonzo bananas.
Holy tangerine on a pike, did I go gonzo bananas.
It got to the point where I felt so pissed off, so hurt, so broken, that I said something I regret to this day.
I told her I wanted to off her. And, what's worse, I meant it.
Not forgivable at all. That day made me realize, that maybe, just maybe, getting rid of me was the best thing for her. I'm a loose cannon, a psychopatic wannabe murderer. I'm not fit to function in every day society where I could actually harm someone. I'm a loser, a coward, mentally retarded...I'm too lazy and childish to get a job, too scared to drive a car. I'm a failure as a human being, not fit for anyone.
After that day, we never spoke.
Until today.
I feel it's time for me to grow some balls and apologize for my mistakes. She didn't deserve what I did to her, and I didn't deserve someone like her. All I can think about are the bad things I did to her, all the things I did and said that made me a horrible person.
But will she talk to me? She moved to Texas (probably to get away from me, because who the ******** moves to TEXAS, of all states?) don't know her number, so I'm going to have to go through her parents. I sent her an apology letter, but one of two things must've happened to it: 1) her mother hasn't forwarded yet (even though it's been OVER TWO ******** WEEKS) since I set that s**t out) or 2) she doesn't want to see my face. I've tried posting crap all over the place trying to get her to contact me...I don't even know her e-mail address.
All that s**t makes me feel like I'm stalking her. A friend reassured me that, no, I wasn't "stalking" her, but "reuniting" with her. Yeah, sure, I'm reuniting with her just like a victim "reunites" with the guy who murdered her family. I'm afraid to leave a message on her machine or voice mail because I bet for her it would be like those slasher movies where they supposedly killed the psychopath but years later the psychopath leaves a message on his victim's answering machine like "I'm BAAACK! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" (end credits).
She was a good person, and I have to admit, judging by her Flickr photos, she happens to be a very pretty woman (I hope she doesn't take it the wrong way, because some women are apt to translate "You're pretty" into "I want to wear your a** as a hat." wink
I don't know if hearing from me again is going to make s**t worse for her or not. But I have to know three things:
a) If she forgives me,
b) Did she really "love" me at all, or was she just using me to look good in front of her friends?
c) Why didn't she report me to the police?
Did I love her? Back then, I thought I did, but now, sources point to "No." I was obsessed with her...always wanted to be with her, got jealous when she was around other guys...I even thought about her when I masturbated for ******** sake. Who the hell in their right mind says something like that?
So anyway, that's my story.
Now get lost.
TEXAS: Let's Have Us a Beer, Shoot Us Some Lib-rals, And Execute Us Some Retards. YEEE-HAW!!!
 Master Clockfish · Tue Jun 03, 2008 @ 06:27pm · 2 Comments |
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