Karma love it or hate it, it will catch you.
For me it started afew months ago. I had just made a new friend and reconnected with an old one. So I think karma is kinda shining on me, of coarse I’d deny it completely. Things were on the up and up. I was in a good place. a week or two in from that meeting another friend was made and it made me feel like smiling.
Then the day came when my karma ran out and I was crushed due to a diagnosis from an old injury. Instead of taking time out to deal with this I acted childish in a way and tried to just put it on the back burner and be happy with the new people I had met. What I failed to see was I focued on those people to the point of near obsession. The back burner was boiling over and I never turn the heat down on it. I admit I spun out of control and acted like something my friends had never scene and I never meant to be.
I rode my downward spiral all the way. At the lowest point I acted nothing like myself and I ended up hurting important people and had others worried. I’ll say though I was not the one to realize the problem till one of my closes friends showed me the light in eccense, thank you Cullen. Once everything was revealed I was voted off the island so to speak and to be honest I could not contest it.
My eyes had been opened and I saw what destruction lay behind me. I thought the low I was at before was the worst, the feeling I felt after I was back in reality dropped me so much further then before. The sorrows, regrets and heart-break flooded. I didn’t bother looking up to start climbing out of the crater I had made for myself. I dwelled and aguished over what I had done to the point no amount of words could adequetly describe had bad and sorry I felt.
A month later I finally began to stir. rather then acting like a normal person and letting go and simply trying to work out a fresh start, clean slate. I threw myself on that perverbial sword and almost begged for forgiveness. I did nearly everything I could to make a mends. It got me no where or at least thats what I thought at the time.
Another month past afew friends began to open up alittle and shed some light on what had been going on lately. They had wanted to hang out and try to go back to normal, what ever normal might of been but since my leaving the island things had taking a turn for the worse without me which I felt in some way was my fault. The people I care the most about were getting hurt wether mentally or physically. They explained I had been left out for my own good so to speak. I understood it and as much as I wanted to fight it I accepted it.
I know had I been brought into what was happening it would not of ended well. Sitting here thinking about that it sinks in and Im glad they left me out in a way. Thank you Adrea and Chuck.
So I’ve been granted pass to start hanging out again with some of the group again. I was so happy even if it didn’t fully show. Heres were karma comes slinking in again. At a dinner a bombshell got dropped and I was deavstated. There no words for how hard I fought to hold the tears back sitting at that table. I felt like I shoul just crawl back into my crater. Trying to combat all the emoitions I was feeling is a battle I dont want to fight anytime soon. Happy, sad, angry, hurt, etc etc etc. I felt like a puppy with karma holding a ball out to play, a fake out throw is made and as I run off all I got to do was look back and watch karma walk away.
Im sorry Adrea, Chuck, Cullen, Jessica, Ericka its just the way I felt. Through the years I’ve had time to perfect a mask for all ocassions and the one time I wanted to take it off the draw strings were tied so tight I couldn’t.
The night had come, we all dressed nice and went to the concert. the seating area was dark so I was lucky no one saw the tears in my eyes. The featured band played and they were great. then a small intermission. The band was back and then the school orchestra filed out and I saw Ericka. I will sound cheesey but time and my heart stopped. My heart smiled though. I was frozen. the instruments began to play and I started breathing again as two tears slipped awy slowly. The end of the show came and the doors opened as I was the first out the door.
The doors open as the group all walk into dennys Jus sitting there with everyone was beyond words. I know I was quiet and somewhat detatched from the group but to hear the talking and laughing and good time I wanted to stay and just watch at the same time I wanted to run away and have myself a weep a thon. Then we got to talk and most everything was brought up. Some was left out but to the most point everything was said. No tears, simply a hug, appollogy and the door shut.
Week passes while I sat numb in the dark.
Last night my phone came to life. I heard of bad times and good, then I heard something that made my heart soar. My friend was safe and in a better place. The group is still reforming but its going to be a new dynamic and I think its what it needed.
Sitting here at my table behinf a laptop wiping away tears I am honestly happy. its finally tears with out sadness attached. I know tears are tears buttheres still a diffrence.
For the people that stood by me wether from a distance or holding me up I thank you from the bottom of my heart.I am so lucky to have you in my life. I that if I didn’t I would surely not be the person I am today. I love you all so much
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