Apathy fits too well, so snug around the collar and sometimes I don't want to remember how to breathe.
Does anyone ever really wonder why I chose "seraphim silence" or any other version of the name?
It's because I have no faith in God, or in any god, goddess, or deity. It's all pointless to have faith in a 'higher' power. Therefore, I traded in my wings and stopped singing the song. Why praise something you don't believe in?
Also, I have no family. People aren't supposed to be in constant fear of their family, of those you put so much love and trust in. I'm not going to sit around and be trashed all the time, live in this constant fear. Nor will I watch my siblings slowly destroy my mother. She will not listen to me, and I have done all I can. It is her choice now to be as she is. As for my siblings... they're making their own lives, and they take everythind for granted. Whether it's Jessica and her over-developed sense of self-righteousness and selfishness. Or it's Victoria, who's let herself be devoured by Thompsonville and the life she swore she'd never suffer... yet she submerges herself in it everyday. Or my brother Joshua, who's attitude is such a strange melding of his two older sisters... so much pride and so much anger... but he has not base to support himself with, and when he crashes, maybe he will learn. As for Rachel... I cannot teach her anything else that I have not already tried. I'm too young to be a father, and she is too old to be my daughter, but I do not agree with how she is being raised. I've already been honest about my father countless times.
As for the rest of my family... it is my grandmothers I cherish most and will miss the most. But all things in this world are mortal, and damn me to hell, I'm not going to wait for them to die to get myself out of here.
If I knew, right now, that if I died I would find myself in a better place, I would have no problem in bleeding myself out.
But all of life and experience is uncertainty. It wouldn't be any fun, nor would there be any thrill without doubt.
But none of that matters.
I am packing my things, I'm letting go of all my childish possessions (save for a choice few for when someday, I might have a child of my own). Onec that is done, I'm selling everything and I'm leaving.
I don't know where, I don't know when, but I'm tired of living in fear, I'm tired of not being myself, and I'm tired of everything around me.
This is not the life I want, and I will be DAMNED if I don't get away from this death trap.
Every day I feel so caged, confined and alone. I have no one to hold on to and just let myself go. I have no friends close by that I feel close enough to to really be able to just let it all out, to unload all this inside of me, to cry and cry until I'm not drowning in my own skin anymore.
It's my own fault. Well ******** it.
This is my life.
and I'm either going to FLY like I've always wanted to, or I'm going to dash myself on the rocks below. Either way, someday, I will have my freedom. But until then... I don't know. I have to wait until August. I made a commitment to my children and I am not going to let them down.
What's the point in living life, if you're only living to make others happy?
I used to not know what truly made me happy, but I've unburied that part of myself, and I REFUSE to lose it again.
So I'm taking myself away from EVERYTHING and focusing on ME.
loneliness doesn't kill you, it's the wishing that does.
Professor Seraph Community Member 
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