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Today.
It was beautiful.
There was no reason to ache today.
'Cept for the gas... but that was physical...
My heart didn't ache at all today.
I was oh so happy...
I really was.
The moon was shining oh so beautifully.
The one whom causes my love so much stress wasn't there..
For the most part.
But he was happy...
And thus made me happy.
It was a bit sad to go home without him...
But I've grown accustomed to that...
Sorta being programed like that until I can be the one to make him mine.
There really isn't much to write about tonight.
Tomorrow however is a far different story... and I wished that tonight could have lasted...
But perhaps I shall make it work tomorrow.
Who knows.
Perhaps it will be me that is the one who makes him smile the most.
Perhaps it will be me that can say I love you and not get any s**t for it.
Bleh... I don't like this post too well...
but hey, at least Im not complaining...
Heh

All this fighting and lying needs to stop.
We are all just immature in the end.
We all need to take a step back and look at our own damned lives.
Im tired of it all.
All the damned heartache of today.
All of the curses and yelling.
The bitching and hating.
Tired of it.
So I will close myself off from the world again.
And hopefully.
When I return to being slightly open..
Then perhaps it will be better again.
I have lost a good friend..
One that I really should have talked to more.
But hell.. what his girlfriend says makes me think...
If he really said all thoose things.
Sadly he's not the same anymore.
He probablly wont ever be the same again.
And I feel a bit sad about that.
Its not something that's going to torment me...
But it feels as though its missing.
A good guy...
Lost to a girl that bitches all the time.
I don't care what she has to say anymore.
We all don't like each other anymore.
Its annoying.
But I figured it would happen.
This is why I didn't fully open up to him too.
Because if I had.
I would have been crushed.
Broken.
More so than I already am.
My love life is on thin wire...
And I hang on to words and promises that I know will come true.
Fate has a funny way of working itself.
So I think all I have to do is wait.
Fight for what I want, yet wait.
Fate is such a funny thing.
That it is.
I just hope it all works out in the end.
If not...
I guess I had to loose another good friend.

Hellish.
That's how my life is right now.
I smile and am happy with him.
But now...
She's resricting him...
Holding him away from me...
Treating him like a dog and not the wolf he is.
And I don't know how he can't see that.
I really need to stop reading all his comments on his myspace.
It kills my heart every single time.
Heh... I'll wait till he falls asleep to cry.
I don't want him to worry.
I hate it so...
Yet I know there's nothing he's going to do.
Nothing to change the way my heart feels.
Just give me promises that I have to hold on to.
I haven't felt his arms around me in so long.
And it kills me everyday.
I hate the way she stares at me when Im standing two feet away from him but not actually talking to him.
It pisses me off that he doesn't do anything about it.
It upsets me that I only have one day with him.
And even that is cut short.
To 4 hours... if that.
It hurts so much to think about it.
I need to stop while Im ahead...
I don't want to cry tonight.
Heh...
Goodnight everyone.

Its so hard too keep being strong.
Its so hard to show that I don't care.
But I do care.
It aggravates me to no end.
It frustrates me.
And the worse part is I can't do anything about it.
Its annoying.
I don't need anyone's s**t right now.
I don't need anyone to tell me I'm being childish right now.
Because you know what?
I don't care anymore.
I'm going to break.
And I don't care what any of you think.
I don't care if you think that my reasons for breaking are childish.
Or that they're immature.
Because honestly.
We all are.
Still in ******** highschool.
Everyone is.
No matter how mature they claim to be.
They're not.
No one is.
I sit here and preach that everyone need to be strong in times of this...
And I try to.
I really do try and take my own advise...
But it means nothing when I say it to myself.
It means abolutly nothing.
Because its better to have someone tell you these things
Than to think of them on your own.
It helps your mind accept it.
But I have no one I really can trust to tell me these things.
No one I would give my life for to tell me these things.
The one that I trust that much...
He's the cause of the turmoil...
Heh... ironic isn't it?
The one I want to tell me these things can't.
Because Im afraid to tell him.
But I will.
I have to.
Because none of this will get any better.
None of this will go away.
Until I make him understand.
I will though.
Even if I have to strap him down in one spot.
Shove everyone else away and lock us in a room together.
I don't like her.
I want her to just disappear.
I know I should show that I could care less that she's alive..
But its so hard to do when she's the one causing him to aggravate me.
I hate crying...
I really do...
Yet I'm driven to do it so very often...
I can't stand her and him together...
I was promised that he wouldn't shut me out..
But it sure as hell felt like it...
And I won't let it happen.
No matter how many tears I have to fight back infront of him.
There's always the woods.
Or the freezer...
Heh... sadly all this drama happens at work...
And after it...
Pathetic.
I hate it so much.
I want so much to end it...
Give in to the pressure and jut break completely...
But his words give me hope.
Even if they were just hi half awake words.
They still make me believe that he and I are going to be together soon.
That we will make it together.
And I hope to whatever God there is out there...
That its true.
Heh... I guess I should stop ranting now... huh?
Oh well...
Goodnight everyone...

Im in a dangerous mood.
One that I don't think I should be in.
An I don't give a s**t about anything mood.
I can bleed and not care.
I can put my shields up and not let anyone in to see my real smile.
Oh the joys of today.
How hellish work will be today.
How much I shall try...
But will it be a waste of effort?
Or will it be a complete failure?
Or success?
I have no idea.
I want to just throw all the emotions away.
Just toss them aside and not look back.
How wonderful that would be.
I hope today will be better.
I hope that I don't break.
I hope that I dont snap and loose it.
I like my sanity.
As unstable as it is.
The please of blood.
Stabbing at things.
Ohh I love it.
Heehee.
Call me emo.
Im know im not.
I know that I can handle things.
For the most part.
I don't wish for death.
I just wish for sleep.
Peaceful sleep.
Where I don't have to worry about the world for awhile.
Perhaps I'll run away from it all.
Go to my den.
Just sleep there.
Howl for awhile.
Sing a lonely song until I get better.
Or snap completely.
Heh.
Would you care?
I dont know.
I would like to think so.
But my mind is running with ideas.
Wondering what is what.
I don't know
I DONT KNOW!
I just want to go out somewhere and scream until my vocal cords are raw.
Im going to pray
Pray so hard.
But for what only I will know.
Until it happens.
Im shaking again.
And I hate it.
I hate it so much.
I can't stop.
I need to run it off.
Today.
I'll just have to go in early today.
Race around.
Cry.
Howl.
Scratch.
Stab.
Bleed.
Probably not all in that order.
But it will happen.
I have a feeling it will.
Good bye everyone.

I sit here alone tonight.
With my cat sleeping a bit away.
The phone by my side..
As well as the blade I enjoy to play with.
I've been blown off tonight...
All my questions...
About her...
Yes...
Her.
She's the reason I feel destructive.
He also plays a part in it.
He completely didn't tell me anything.
Anything about her and him...
It looks as though they're dating again...
He didn't say anything.
He didn't let me arguee my side.
No.
Everytime I had a question or made a comment...
He would blow it off and say "I don't need this right now."
This whole week sucked.
And now it sucks even more.
Why wont you tell me anything?
Why didn't you let me know?
Was it because I was going to cry?
Hell... you don't see the tears...
So why care?
Why couldn't you tell me?
Please.
I want to get this over with.
Our fight.
You know its coming.
So why the hell wont you just let it happen?
Why wont you let me speak with you?
Do I need to get you half awake again?
Fine.
I'll do that if you wont talk to me about it.
I was the one person you would let get inside your walls.
You tell me not to put up mine?
Don't put up yours.
Because I will claw my way through.
I will rip it open and make you tell me.
I will do what ever it takes if I have to.
Just don't push me away.
Don't choose her over me.
Let me at least have a chance with you.
Please.

By the way... in the last rant... when I said the b***h...
I ment the person who keeps reporting to the Raccoon. Hn.

Here I go.
Into another deep rant.
Sorry everyone.
I can't be as strong as I would like to be.
Im sorry I have so many problems.
I haven't seen my Puppy in awhile...
Two days... yeah I know...
Sickenly cute...
Annoying some may say.
Well you know what?
******** you.
I can't help but miss him every day...
When we don't talk.
Yeah I complain alot about it.
But don't blame me.
I don't like being the one to be left out...
I don't like a raccoon to be chosen over me.
Go ahead... I bet the b***h is reading this now...
I don't care.
I just can't wait for tomorrow.
When I get to see him.
Sure I'll have to share my time with him.
But at least I'll be with him.
After we drop off the other one...
I'll have him for at least an hour or so.
Hopefully.
I just hope that he can shove the raccooned faced wench away from just a few hours.
Just so we all can hang out.
Without her name being mentioned...
Without her being thought of...
Am I being too selfish?
Probably.
But for once in my life.
I want to be.
I want him to be all mine. No one elses.
I haven't started crying.
And that is always a good thing.
My heart just feels a bit of a pinch.
But I trust him.
I just hope that he can love me fully.
I just hope that he will be mine.
I don't want to have to go back to what it was like way back when.
I didn't like that.
I annoyed people.
I cried too much.
The wound is still there...
But I don't want it to get deeper.
Im terrified of being hurt like that again.
I want my puppy.
I want him to be only mine.
For I have fallen in love with him.
And I know he loves me...
I just need for him to love me all the way.
yes Im ranting.
But I never asked for anyone to read this.
I never asked for anyone to think of me less.
So do me a favor.
If you do read this...
And if you do think of me less...
Stop snooping around in my buisness...
It's not yours.
So back off.
I don't know what more to say.
Heh...
Im tired...
Tired of feeling like this...
This is one reason I hate Wensdays and Thursdays...
Cause I don't get to see him...
Most of the time...
Thursdays it's possible...
But right now...
He's not worried about talking to me...
No.
He's talking to the raccoon.
Just shoving me to the side until he's done with her.
Oh I hate it....
I hate this jealous feeling I feel.
I wont show it.
I swear it...
But I wont deny it either.
I wont deny that I want him to love only me.
I wont deny that I want him to be only mine.
I wont deny that I want him....
Because it's true.
I love him dearly.
And I know he's not ganna read this.
Too long.
Heh...Though last time I said that I got yelled at.
Heh....
It scares me.
I never want to fully talk about anything because Im afraid he'll snap.
Though I want to.
I really do.
Its like a half of me wants to and the other wont.
I have mixed emotions about talking about this with him.
I haven't figured out the approach yet...
Sigh....
I miss him.
So very much.
But lately all I've done is annoyed him.
Hopefully tomorrow goes a little bit better.
Hopefully tomorrow I will be able to heave a happy sigh.

Today is just not my day.
Usually Valentine's day isn't all this bad.
But it sucks when you have someone in mind...
And they refuse to talk to you.
Because they're with someone they say they're over.
Someone they assured you wasn't going to be big part of their life.
Yeah...
But some how...
He finds the time to text her when Im around...
But when she's around....
Oh no...
I get shut out for days...
Harsh reality I know.
I know Im being bitchy right now...
But seeing so many lovey dovey happy people despresses me.
And since Im not supposed to keep it in...
I b***h.
Get over it.
You didn't have to read this.
Hn....
I wish sometimes I could just go to sleep
Not wake up...
The world doesn't need me...
It can live without me...
I just want to go to my den...
And sleep with my pack.
Im sorry for everything.
Really I am.
I just hate this holiday...
And today only made it worse...
I couldn't see my Alpha.
He refuses to even speak with me..
Heh...
Its a shame I don't back down so easily.
I wont let him close me out.
Because I've gotten in too deep to let him go.
You'll just have to get over it my love.
If you read this.
So have a Happy ******** Valentines day.