What a bitter-sweet moment. Even knowing the consequences of having an LDR and swearing the first time that I'm never ever going to have another one of these again, I found myself attracted to a guy who lived miles away.
What started us off was my "Hey, nice legs ;D", knowing we had the same sort of item on our avis. Yes, we met online. Through the game of zOMG, we crewed together and had a great time. Our personalities were the first that attracted us; Our weird pervyness, my overly enthusiastic personality & my spasm of joy. Adding on, a peek at our profiles and pictures made us attract each other even more. He then had to leave, wanting to send me a PM after he got sushi from the store. All I said was "okay" not really looking into it because I was used to it. And as said, he sent me a PM and our conversations started from there.
You can say it's weird... or not, doesn't really matter. But to us, it was a start of a new relationship.
Since the start of September 17, we've talked more and more every single day, leaving old conversations behind and starting new ones. He'd asked for my skype and from then on, we ditched the PMs.. not completely, but sooner we did. Oh gosh, the first day of camming, I was tingling with embarassment and excitement. I was finally going to meet the friend whom I talked to most. We started to cam from morning till night, only stopping when we needed to sleep. In the mornings we'd wake up early, just to talk to one another. We'd eat breakfast, sit&stare while drinking hot chocolate and talk to our hearts content. This was the stage of the pursuit.
We were good together.. as friends. But things got deeper as our conversations turned into telling secrets, telling each other about our past, and getting to know the other side that most people didn't know about us. He had quite a past, and so did I, what we've both overcome. We accepted each other, no matter how bad a person we were & no matter how hard our past was on us. We told each other everything, including the details when asked, all with honesty. This increased our trust and things moved on fast between us. Which is good... and at the same time, bad.
I wanted so much that he become my boyfriend, so much that I wanted him mine. I couldn't stop thinking about him, couldn't get him off my mind. There was something about him. Something that made me decide that I wanted to be in a LDR with him. Back into one of those dreadful relationships. I'm not sure, I might have forced him to ask me out... but I'm glad he did anyhow, even if the reason was only because of force. We were optimistic, we had thrive... everything that couples had on their first few months together. We became each other's world.. Only seeing each other, cancelling plans because we wanted to be together, waking up early, then saying goodnight when it was time. We made each other feel better when we were down. We smiled, laughed, teased, and oh, it was just the greatest feeling. We were truly, truly happy. And just like a regular relationship, we made our LDR work. This was the stage of the honeymoon.
At this point, we became very comfortable with one another.. heck we were in love. We knew each other's faults and knew what made each other sad, and happy. Comfortability is a good thing, if it's kept at a certain level. But if you reach pass that level.. then you're doomed. Because when you're comfortable, you start trying less. You stop making yourself look better in front of the person because they've already seen you in your "comfy look/outfit". You stop txting or replying as fast. The fights start. I hated the fights. Even though fights are suppose to make you guys stronger.. there are certain times when fights are really unnecessary. At first the fights were easy to make up.. but then it started to get harder, and trying less made it even harder. This stage we tried to avoid.. I guess you know where this is going.. Following a honeymoon, is of course, the downfall.
I became more busy, moving to the Island to start work. It was good for both of us because we had more time together in a way. We finally had the time alone to sleep together, wasting electricty but we both didn't care. Although I had work, I came back home and we cammed again until morning when I needed to leave. We never ever missed a day of talking to one another. Our relationship worked for awhile.. But then problems started to show and we wanted more and more from one another. We became more selfish. I became more negative, knowing the future was hazy. The waiting seemed longer than ever. The only time we'd actually TRY and work things out is when there's a threat of our partner being taken by someone else. We started to unappreciate our time together. I guess, because we had time, we took advantage of it. We would start doing our own thing, paying less attention to one another. Then again we WANTED attention. Funny how that worked.
Then there was another boy.. A friend. I only thought of him as a friend and nothing more. But he was there to make me special when my own boyfriend couldn't and that unsettled me. I wondered why this boy was so kind and looked at me like I was the best thing he's seen.. and why my boyfriend wasn't looking at me that way anymore. That boy had thrive.. he had the pursuit in him. And somehow, in a way, I felt jealous. Jealous? Why would I feel jealous? Because the boy had something that I wanted my boyfriend to have. I wanted my boyfriend to look at me like that again. How much we both wanted the first few months back... How much we wanted the honeymoon stage again. And we did try to get it back.. But it didn't work, we just couldn't because we were too far in.
Then I had to take another job.. A job that would take most of my time. It was 1 month of work.. That doesn't seem long, but when you've been talking/camming every single day, it was a huge change. We talked even less, and that made him complain more. I felt guilty for not giving him any time. I wanted to give him time, but I just couldn't. We argued and argued. Trying to balance my 2 jobs, my bf, and my friends stressed me out. That made me feel even more negative and I felt sadder as the days went. He wanted more time.. and I cracked. I couldn't give it.. I hated myself for not giving him time. I guess I reached the point where I needed time off. I needed to think. I wanted him to be happy. I wanted to be happy myself. I loved him, but I couldn't stand the fighting. We were already so far, yet we waste the time we're suppose to have together, fighting. I was unsure of the future.. There was a chance that we wouldn't even see each other until after a few years. And the waiting sucks. It just... Sucks.
I had to make a choice. He waited. How much I didn't want to break his heart.
1. Go with my heart:
My heart told me to stay. Because I loved him, I wanted to stay. To keep him and keep loving him. I didn't want to give him to anyone else. How much I wanted to choose this.. You have no idea.
2. Go with my mind:
But he was sad.. because I didn't have time. I wanted so much that he be happy.. But at the moment, I didn't have anything to offer. He was trying, and for me, it was heartbraking. I wanted him to find someone that could offer him more than I could. Someone who could treat him as well as he treats me, if not even more. If not now, then later. I really do love him.
Not txting or talking to him during that time off from one another was painful. I didn't know what to do and I was SO confused. I kept going back and forth through the choices. I didn't know what I wanted and everytime I seemed to make a choice, my heart/mind would say "BUT" and it'd throw me off again..
I missed him. I missed him SO much. He messaged before but I resisted knowing I wasn't ready to give an answer. But I couldn't resist when he messaged again, and I replied. I hadn't made a choice yet.. and I was selfish for keeping him waiting. In our conversation he talked about a girl.. And i was envious. So envious. Although he said they were just friends, I based my decision on that. Knowing that there was a girl who could make him special.. someone who could BE there beside him.. even if it isn't her, there could be someone else who could give him what I couldn't. And knowing that fact... my heart broke and I cried.. because someone else was someday, going to take my place. I hated it. I hated the feeling. I still hate it now. I wanted so much to apologize for choosing this choice.. not only to him, but also for myself. It hurt. And I was sorry that I chose my mind over my heart.. The waiting hurt, him being sad hurt, and everything else seemed to hurt.
This is where I fell from my cloud of happiness. I let go of something really good.. something I wanted but couldn't have. I still don't know if I chose the right choice.. but I'm hoping this is the best for the both of us. My heart still breaks when I think of him being with another. And it hurts when he talks to me like he'll be happy for me no matter what. Because deep down, all I want is to be with him. But if I tell him that, it's only going to hurt us both. I want him happy. In order for that to work, he needs someone who can give more than I could. I'm falling into a pit of loneliness. In the back of my mind I want to scream and shout, taking all that I've said back.
But this was my choice. No matter what, I still truly, truly love him with all my heart. I hope to someday meet someone who treats me like he's treated me. And I hope that one day, we would come to a point where we can talk normally again.. Without feeling any jealousy, without sadness, without regret and just happiness for the both of us. No matter what happens, he's one boy that I'm never ever going to forget.