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The Cycle- No, not the menstrual one. |
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The Cycle of Fear and Disgust
Let's start out high, ok? Everything about life is wonderful. You have good friends, live comfortably, everything you could ever want. You are you are happy and content. You may be no millionaire or anything special, but you couldn't ask for any more…
But wait… After awhile things are still the same… How could this be? You were happy at first and now you're just well, eh, so-so. Every day is cloned from the previous… Not that you mind too much, but a nagging in the back of your head begins to tell you that it was all too good to be true… Paranoia takes its first hold.
Others begin to notice you being paranoid… Or wait; is that just your panic and anxieties taking over? You can't tell, but it worries you more... You begin to feel that you bore everyone around you… Everyone else must consider you boring if every day seems the same to you…
Now you're convinced that you are absolutely dull, uninteresting, and completely unattractive. You know that your very presence just has to repel anyone around you. You hate yourself more and more every day as this state of mind ruminates, snowballs and grows bigger…
Isolation seems like the only choice… best not to be a burden on the people around you with your constant hopeless mood (of course at this point a joyless b***h/b*****d, whatever, is the only thing you can see in yourself). So you don't have anyone left to get away with, you let your imagination take over and a bit of insanity grows. Old self destructive habits die hard… You start poisoning yourself with things you know you shouldn't ingest, even for fun. You starve yourself. You mutilate some flesh. The endorphins are enjoyable, but not for long enough. You've lost contact with everyone you used to be close to. Internal agony's a b***h at this point…
Dehumanization begins to unfold when you no longer feel any pain. You go numb. This would be the Nihilistic stage you could say… You don't care about anyone or anything. You don't do much of anything either, except get ******** up when you can. Your morals have gone down the drain. All you want is to be, well, nothing. To not exist.
The simply not caring turns into a mission of self indulgence. You still don't care about anyone else, but you don't feel quite so dead. And at least you are getting some enjoyment out of things, be it at the expense of others or not. It doesn't matter to you. You don't care what you have to do what you want as long as it's in your own interest.
Finally… Maybe it's a slow recovery, or maybe it's some other great thing that brings you back to the beginning. Whatever it is, it's the thing you wish you could keep.. hold on to. It's what makes you really feel alive. You are finally able to get out and do things again. You get to really enjoy living. You meet people and build friendships and relationships again. You start to actually care for people. You are happy again.
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This was writted by another person from the same guild as before(see the entry right before this), and it describes her- and my- experience with depression. She says she's on the second paragraph now, and I am, too. Obviously, she's gone through this before, which is why she's able to write about it- that fact showes that no matter how long each step of the cycle takes, it's exactly that- a cycle. A neverending circle, at least for some. I've been through it, too. but I'm not here to complain- not here to ask for pity or sympathy. I'm explaining this cycle to everyone, so that they can learn to recognize it, and save any loved ones, or even any stranger. People need to know about this, for the sake of themselves and others. Because, trust me, the self mutilation, the starvation, the despair, the poison, the destructive habits, the de-humanization- my friend wasn't exagerating or making anything up. This is the real deal.
 Figmented Imagination · Fri Dec 05, 2008 @ 12:46am · 0 Comments |
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