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All this numbness has given me time to think and reflect on myself. Every relationship that has been ended is because of me. I'm always not doing something right whether its saying the wrong thing or just phrasing it wrong. Sometimes it has to do with other things as well like personally not showing enough emotion in my physical contact.

Well the truth is peeps I'm a shy person but I'm not afraid to speak how I feel. When ever I tell someone I'm in a relationship with exactly how I'm feeling it gets misinterpreted or for some odd reason upsets them. Or is it that I should be open so there is no secret its just everyone else can't handle it?All the other girls and guys my age are so immature and seems like ones younger than that don't know what they want.

I feel so completely and utterly alone right now and its not even funny I just want someone to hold. Is that so hard to ask? I mean isn't there one person out of the millions in the world that wants someone to keep them company? I admit I'm not very affectionate on a personal level until I get to know them well enough.

But there is a reason for that I have trust issues and it may take a while for me to trust someone depending on how things go. I know I know I hear it on a daily basis. "If you have trust issues why do you trust people with all your biggest secrets?" Well I have an answer for that I have no secrets and nothing to hide and in return I like the same.

If things are hid from me I'm the first to jump to conclusions. If I'm told I remain calm I just don't like being lied to at all. But you will always have people that lie to you no matter who they are. I will admit I do lie I'm not lie free but my lies are more like jokes and to protect someone I love.

Sometimes I feel like such a doormat I let the person I'm with walk over me and I go through oblivious and usually find out they were cheating on me or something.it makes me feel inadequate. I would never cheat on them though and if things weren't going well I would tell them. *sighs*