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All this numbness has given me time to think and reflect on myself. Every relationship that has been ended is because of me. I'm always not doing something right whether its saying the wrong thing or just phrasing it wrong. Sometimes it has to do with other things as well like personally not showing enough emotion in my physical contact.

Well the truth is peeps I'm a shy person but I'm not afraid to speak how I feel. When ever I tell someone I'm in a relationship with exactly how I'm feeling it gets misinterpreted or for some odd reason upsets them. Or is it that I should be open so there is no secret its just everyone else can't handle it?All the other girls and guys my age are so immature and seems like ones younger than that don't know what they want.

I feel so completely and utterly alone right now and its not even funny I just want someone to hold. Is that so hard to ask? I mean isn't there one person out of the millions in the world that wants someone to keep them company? I admit I'm not very affectionate on a personal level until I get to know them well enough.

But there is a reason for that I have trust issues and it may take a while for me to trust someone depending on how things go. I know I know I hear it on a daily basis. "If you have trust issues why do you trust people with all your biggest secrets?" Well I have an answer for that I have no secrets and nothing to hide and in return I like the same.

If things are hid from me I'm the first to jump to conclusions. If I'm told I remain calm I just don't like being lied to at all. But you will always have people that lie to you no matter who they are. I will admit I do lie I'm not lie free but my lies are more like jokes and to protect someone I love.

Sometimes I feel like such a doormat I let the person I'm with walk over me and I go through oblivious and usually find out they were cheating on me or something.it makes me feel inadequate. I would never cheat on them though and if things weren't going well I would tell them. *sighs*

Why am I put through these trials and tribulations when it comes to the things I beleive in. If I beleive in someone certain circumstances cause me to always doubt my beleif in someone. I have been burned so much in the past you would think I would learn. recently I have been finding myself not caring about anything at all in fact I'm completely numb. Everyone says its my signs that I'm slipping back into my dark phases. let me tell you about my dark phases they aren't fun. My dark phases are nothing like these goth and emo phases everyone else has.

no, no, no, My dark phases besides me not caring about anything or anyone I still don't cut myself I just ignore anyone that talks to me and its paranoia as well. I feel everyone is out to destroy me so it progresses top a hatred towards them. Which brings me to the look and my eyes shows either a visible hatred when acknowledging someone of a lolling daze and not acknowledging. So not only do I not care about people I hate them and I isolate myself. Then I get a strange lust for blood but not my own. I want to cut someone and watch them bleed. On top of that I won't be awake during the day only the night time.

So with the blood and the hatred towards people I tend to get a bit carried away. I tend to cut the person that approaches me trying to be kind not caring who it is. Maybe I'm a freak who knows but one thing is certain I scare myself in that stage and I don't scare easily. If someone thinks they can prevent this before I'm too far into it go right ahead be my guest but eventually if it doens't work stay away from me I don't want to harm you.