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Hmm..the psychology of my mind, well I can’t really break that down unless I tell exactly what’s going on now can I? Well I really don’t know how to actually explain it. I guess I’m lying in a world somewhere between hate, resentment, exhaustion, and shear disgust for this family, reluctantly I was born into. Wishing more and more, I wasn't part of it. Over the past what 10 years I have seen parts of my family fall apart. Anywhere from barely bothering to help people that refuse to help themselves, black sheep aunt (whom I still refuse to talk about..yet for some reason gets bought up), up to now, with even those I though I knew..turns out to be those I don't even know. Example for this point, my parents. Come to hate them both as of late, hypocrites of what they do compared to what they say.
Lets see first they didn't want to cut the apron strings, however later on in my college years they did. Both my dog and my cat disappeared and neither one seem to care about finding them, nor did they bother looking. Well..sure they were proud I graduated, but mom (the b***h..no really she is one), happened to show her attitude on a day it was meant to be just for me. Only except it wasn't for me at all. My feelings of being considered a trophy to both of them, only were enhanced. Then dad got a new bike. Which bugged me only cause when I was growing up, he never wanted a Harley, but yet he ends up getting one that cost 16k. Yeah that’s more then my school tuition in a year. Which threw back into a thought, "Are you really that self centered like mom?".
My car need to get the front replaced, and yeah dad really hasn't cared to ride with me since I got my license. Granted both of them have scared me a great deal from driving them around. Sure I'm not going to be as experienced as them, but when I get a 18 wheeler coming up behind me, you better bet I'm going to move over. Cause well they freak me out. Last thing I need also is to be yelled at when I am not told anything about where to go. Don't say "Asheboro" when you want "Randleman". So I gave up and just let dad drive back, I was way to on edge. Also with the whole job issue, they keep hounding me to find one, yet they aren't even bothering to help with the search at all. Instead they sit in the living room, smoking their cigs, watching the TV. And then complain to me about being over weight. OK so I haven't done the best job at it, but I don't really have any motivation to do so. Oh by the way dad, why don't you just spend all the time with your bike, cause gawd knows its going to be sold when your dead. Don't bs lie about placing the bike before anyone, you do. You want it as a show bike, fine make it a show bike.
Ok both of my best friends I actually trust, have married and moved out of their homes. I just hope that I can save enough to move away from this place that purposively called "Home".
Also to know of my "parents", is the fact that when dad is denied something by grandpa, it some how translates over as both of my uncles being better then my dad. Someone explain this one to me, cause I sure as hell don't get it. *hits head* Ok, grandpa simply wants his bike back, I know grandpa gets stubborn, but that doesn't mean that we should completely ignore the actually side of the family I seem to get along with. They refuse to hardly talk to my grandparents, which I will admit does hurt. I don't think the saying "Get over it" even registers to my parents. Also love how its assumed that I’m going to talk to my aunt, when its not my intent to do. My parents for some reason want to keep a distance from the problem instead of actually being grown ups and talking it out. Sorry if grudges are easier then getting off your butts and confronting it.
*sighs* Glad to have that out of my system..yet I only fear its going to get worse.
 SaraWhiteWolf · Sun Jul 08, 2007 @ 12:40am · 2 Comments |
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