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I don't know if its because I've been runing on nearly 4 hours of sleep each day for a wile or because I've cramed something away for a wile now & it won't leave me be...but latly for no reason at all I've found myself Thinking about a few old memorys & ending up being inexplanably pissed... though I've managed not to vent it on any one. I've even begone to think thoughs that haven't crossed my mind in long wile... well a month to be exact. but I learned then that those sort of things salve nothing....but why do they seem so damn tempting? as well I'm not normaly a person to cry. only times I usaly do that is in extreem pain (eather emotinal of phisical) or if I'm really really worried about some one. but at the odest time when alone or at least no one can see me they come. & the thing is I can't figure out what the hck is bothering me. I'd like to think that I'm just suffering from a bout of depresion so I can get a perscreption & save some face... but some how I don't think thats it. something is bothering me & I have no idea what it is..... well ok maybe a few but their rether dumn. but the things that linger on my mind are old issues about how people have miss treated me in the past. most of the people I could forgive, or not take affence at they're ill treatment. they were ignorent or dealing with their own crap....but a few people knowingly did a few things... & knowingly continued it. I've never in my lif loathed a perticuler person but Im' pretty damn close to it. though whats passed is passed & I know I shouldn't feel that way I do. & in a couple of ways I've kind of become like them.... & an older verson of myslf. a verson that kind of took delight in falling under the pain I feared so much. thuogh I'm not like I was then... a lot has changed & I'm not aboutto take the crap I did then....not that I have to any more. but something deep inside is broken gushing rether painfully. being with my friends, not sleeping & thinking about my stories & a few people manage to keep my acupied enough to not think about it. kind of funny how these things remain there.... & thuogh I manage to convince myself I'm smiling & the sun is shining that thing is still there... thuogh it's so unidentifiable it isn't even funny. plus trying to desen whats really bothering me from all the other things that seem to be it is like serching through a pile of needles. I don't know exactly what to do & I don't know if it's just me...or perhaps I've simply gone insane & haven't realized it.... but I can't listen to my favoret music any more..... all of it holds some sort of memory. perhaps this will pass....... but this time i can't aford to get so depressed I can't eat or sleep, I have a job & people I can't let down. I'm so weak I descust myself...but then again right now I could name evey little thing about me thats wrong.... so I guess maybe I'll try to figure it out or perhaps just hope it fades... I don't know or care right now persinaly.
Mood:depressed/ self loathing anger
song: a few songs seem to describe how I feel... Papercut from linken park, Girl Anachronism from the dreseden dolls (sp?) & the clencher from shivel.

I guess scars on the skin fade before the ones on the heart even begin to heal....