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The Break-up!


The 7 Steps to an Easier Break-up! .


Step 1: Reality Sucks! Consider calling your ex on that promise that they made. You know the one - when they promised to "die for you". Okay, before you do anything really stupid, such as coating the underside of your ex's car door handles with your pet poodle, Fi-Fi's, droppings, (odds are Fi-Fi doesn't produce enough do-do to do-do a thorough enough job on the scumbag's car, anyway!) realize that you are in a very fragile and irrational state. This means that you will consume mass quantities of Ben & Jerry's ice cream, cry during McDonald's TV commercials, and seriously consider dying your hair orange and getting a tattoo of a fly smack-dab at the end of your nose. Please stop and realize that these insane feelings, too, shall pass. Who wants to be reminded of a bad break-up by having their nose batted by a fly swatter for the rest of their days? Be warned: Do NOT attempt to contact your ex! Yes, you'll be tempted to call your ex during a 2 a.m. shooters-induced-tizzy, or send an anonymous letter to their mother revealing all their naughty, little bedroom habits, but what will that accomplish? Understand that there is nothing you can do to bring your ex back, or diminish your pain - short of kidnapping them, that is. No. Kidnapping is not an option! Beyond this, face it - your ex is a SOB and the sooner you tell the world, the better. And last, but not least, thank the good Lord that there is a mandatory waiting period after purchasing a firearm.

Step 2: Pamper yourself! Nothing like a hot bikini-wax to get those nerves to quiet down! smile He-he. Please, don't make the mistake of exaggerating your role in the break-up. For instance, it really doesn't matter that you had an affair! After all, it WAS your ex's fault for being so lousy in bed, right? If they had just read that manual, you bought them for their birthday...! And you know what manual I'm talking about, the one with the stick-people game play diagrams, complete with the O's and the X's - and the G-spots. Some things you can do to pamper yourself: Rent some good movies, such as 'The Burning Bed', 'One Night Stand', 'Play Misty For Me', and, my personal favorouite, 'Fatal Attraction'. Make two lists. The first is a list of all your great points, such as your awesome body, Mensa I.Q., and sharp-as-a-tack tongue. The second list is about your ex's bad points - i.e., the way they used a blow-dryer to dry themselves (the best I've ever heard), the book they bought on how to tell time like a pro, and the various methods they used for removing excess gas from their bodies. Write a sad, sappy break up poem, such as:

"Who the hell does he think he is?"
I wrote in the women's stall...
"Let me say, as I take this piss...
Gregory Smith's wangy is really, really small!".
This poem works especially well if your ex happens to be named 'Gregory Smith'.

Step 3: Don't keep it all inside! Emotions denied tend to fester, so make sure you release all that built-up frustration in a constructive manner. Such as: Take up running. For motivation on getting started go over to your ex's house, throw a brick through their windshield, and 'run' as fast as you can the hell outta there! Beat your pillow. Your ex's $700 custom-made cue stick should work perfectly for this job. Break something. For instance, that 100-year-old bottle of wine your ex was saving for a special occasion. Binge. It's perfectly okay to consume twenty-dozen Twinkies in a twelve-hour period. Just make sure you stick your finger down your throat every ninth or tenth one. Scream. Best done during fantastic orgasms with your new, red-hot lover.


Step 4: Stay active! Take up parasailing, tennis, or scuba diving. Leave your ex to cough in your dust as you soar right past them: go back to school, become a successful lawyer, run for the presidential office, and bash your ex all through your campaign. Sure to make them wince every time they turn the TV on. Ask yourself, "What is my ex good at that he/she also enjoys doing and does quite often?" For instance, let's say your ex is good at golf and plays regularly. Take this info, learn to play golf like a pro, show up at every one of your ex's golf games, and win! Take up yoga, or a workout regimen at your local gym. A firm, hard body is great for your ego - especially when you flaunt it around your ex whenever the chance arises!

Step 5: Write your ex a letter! Tell your ex what a nasty, vehement little devil-creature they are. Hold nothing back! If you faked orgasm for the entire 22-months you were together, let them know. If you never really did like their spoiled-rotten kids, now is the time to tell them. Skip nothing! Get it all off your chest! Feel better? Good. Now throw the letter away. On second thought, send it. And copies to your ex's boss. Their mother. Their new lover. Ha-ha. Just kidding.

Step 6: Get even! How to get revenge: Run for Senate. Of course, this works better if you're married to the president. If running for senate isn't an option, you can still drive your ex nuts by pretending like the break-up never happened to begin with. For example, call your ex up at work and ask what they would like for dinner, or if they could pick up some milk on their way home. Act confused by their 'bewilderment'. Ha-ha. Or...send everyone in his/her family greeting cards on special occasions and sign both of your names. Show up at 6:30 a.m. on Sunday morning to give the car a tune-up, or water the garden. Call your ex up at 3 a.m. and ask him/her if they remembered to turn the gas off on the stove and lock the front door before they came to bed.

Step 7: Be Cool! If all else fails, you still have denial to fall back on. What break-up?