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I hate guys. They can destroy friendships without even knowing it.
Lately I've been feeling a little sad and lonely. because of... guys. Two of my closest friends are in relationships with these two guys and those guys come over to sit with us for the second half of the lunch period everday at school. It was an attempt to make one of my bffs know her crush better. At first, it was sort of funny to watch them sit silently looking everywhere but at each other, but then it became boring and slightly annoying. Ever since the beginning of the school year, all my bffs would talk about was guys, guys, guys, homecoming dance, dresses, guys, guys and more guys.
I've attempted to try to engage in conversation with the guys when they sit with us... but it's no use. I can't talk freely like some other people can. And like, today, at lunch, one of my bffs had turned her back so she physically blocked me out. (at least she apologized later; i think she overheard me talking to B---- that I felt excluded and that I hated lunch nowadays). That was why I was so glad when one of my other friends came over and sat with me and I helped her with her homework. It seems like that's all I'm good for these days. Homework help.
So recently another one of my best friends has been researching on animal abuse for her Journalism class. That's all well and good; I mean, it's a serious topic, a great topic to research on (personally, I don't think I could take seeing all those graphic pictures and stuff, but oh well). Today I think I was a bit moody thinking about all these stuff and I said a remark to her something along the lines of "I care more about child abuse than animal abuse." Just because I made that remark doesn't mean that I was completely apathetic to animal abuse -- no, I think that abuse in any shape or form is a disgusting behavior. But I guess she took it the wrong way and said, "You guys don't care," and during lunch she was giving me cold treatment or something because she said only one thing to me during the entire lunch period. That was: "You should go talk to [your crush]." (Um, yeah, like I said, all they talk about now is guys). And she only made this remark to me because her other bff happened to be gone somewhere and I was the only one left besides the guys (she doesn't want to talk to them for some reason, even though this whole thing is really for her benefit). So, essentially, I was like, second resort. I've noticed that they're always texting each other and they are always discussing something at the far end of the table...
and it reminds me painfully of eighth grade. I remember when my two bffs used to go to the far end of the lunch table and whisper and (rather noticeably) pass notes to each other. That was because they both had divorced parents apparently. And I don't. And then i got into a fight with them because I felt so excluded.
they ask me if I'm okay, and I almost feel like yelling at them, "no, i'm not okay!!!!" But I don't. Because the next minute they're back talking about -- omg, you guessed it -- guys. Yesterday I was very close to crying for no reason at all.
I wrote a poem about this... the once immovable stone bridge has come crumbling down.
I stand here, you on the other side.
The stone bridge between us,
Once so immovable, once so strong,
Now shows sign of strain.
It withers, fades, erodes away,
As I am to you.
Fog shrouds your silhoette,
You slip away from my reach.
You turn your back against me --
Do you not see the damage to the bridge?
Bitter cold gale whips my arms and legs;
The dark skies swirl and brew trouble.
I feel alone, so alone;
Indescribable pain rips my soul,
An empty feeling fills my heart.
The cold chases away the warmth --
I fight the apathetic feeling growing inside.
Is this what you want?
September 26, 2007
by iluxe.
The page seems empty... but it is full of unspoken words. see my blog also; i posted this there as well.)
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