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Wow, I really have been like... on and off Gaia for the past few months. Sorry about that. Anyway, things are going... neutral, I suppose.
Since it has been a while, I guess I have quite a bit to update with. I know that some people here may be from my high school and I don't get to talk to you often so I guess I'll have to stop by here more.
Well, for those that haven't heard, Chris dumped me. Then we got back together... for two weeks until we both kind of mutually said "******** it" as I was sick of him being an a*****e and I guess he was just sick of me in general. So yeah, that's apparently huge news as I've heard. >>; It's like... everyone said that they saw us as like, one person. Wtf. I guess that must've pissed him off or something and that's where the "I want to be my own person" thing came from. Well, it pisses me off too, man.
I spent a couple months pretty depressed. I had a few doctors visits because my mom thought I was getting clinical depression again and said I might need therapy.
Yeah, ******** that. I went through six years of therapy... never again. I absolutely hated it.
Anyway, aside from being a ********, as usual, things have definitely improved somewhat. I went to Another Anime Convention a couple weeks ago and it was amazing. I met a lot of new people and I've already made a close friend through it, so I'm happy.
Though, there still have been some... issues. I'm kind of trying to work out my feelings and emotions this week after an emotionally intense week last week. To start it off, my dog Rusty had to get put down. He had some rare muscle disease and he wasn't responding to the treatment. I don't know if I can ever get that image out of my head. The image of his lifeless body on the floor in that room, his eyes half open. It's the first time I've seen something other than a small animal dead. I was never present for the putting down process before so it was a first and incredibly intense.
This past weekend was pretty sucky too. Well, it was sucky and... I guess cool. Actually, Saturday was awesome. So, let's talk about Friday and Sunday.
On Friday, I had a very close friend of mine ask if I wanted to be in an open relationship with him. I still haven't responded but I'm going to have to politely decline. I'm kind of worried since he's pretty sensitive but I just can't see it going further than our brotherhood. So, that was love confession number one...
Yeah, that means there was a second. Another extremely close friend of mine had made an LJ post about admitting feelings of love or something of the sort. She was kind of depressed so I played around with a photo of us holding hands in photoshop and gave it to her. And in her comment to the post containing that image was one of the most intense moments of my life.
This person... Ever since I met her, I was never sure what my feelings were. It was pretty evident I had a large crush on her and even after I met and got together with Chris, it stayed. I was worried after a while because it felt like my feelings were way more than that.
I kind of had this feeling that she might have had feelings for me in that way judging by some past experiences and some posts on her journal from other times. I was never sure though and I hated thinking that; it made me feel really... self-centered.
Well, in her reply... She admitted it.
And now, I'm confused more than I ever have been before. I'm not quite sure what to do or say. I've never been able to sort out my feelings for her and I'm just not sure. I feel like... there might be someone else I kind of like at the moment, but I can't shake off the feeling that, deep down, I may really love her back. It kind of sucks.
I really don't want to read too much into because I'm only 18. I've experienced what I thought was "love" before and I think it was kind of a load of bullshit. I kind of want to stay away from romantic relationships for a while. I suppose I wouldn't really mind getting into one... but not one so intense.
 Gundam Pilot 06 · Tue Oct 23, 2007 @ 05:02pm · 0 Comments |
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