Well...as some if not many of you know since July my time on here has gotten shorter and shorter over time. There had been a series of events that took place in that time span, but the last thing to happen has changed me and my life drastically. July 16th 2007, I had my surgery, which turned out to be fine....I felt like hell for a week, and then I was pretty ok afterwards. But little did I know my mom would take a turn for the worst...
Sunday August 12th I went up to my moms room, and sat next to her holding her hand....I looked at her and said, "I love you mom"....she sort of let out this exhausted soft smile and replied..."I love you too, I love you too baby". She held onto my hand, and after a bit I left go, so I could go home for the night. The next day I returned....she was not doing well at all, but she was no longer hollering out...that could have been the morphine helping though, as she was in a lot of horrible pain prior. The Hospice Nurse came by to check her blood pressure and report on how she was doing. Mom cried out when the nurse took and lifted her left arm, so I sat next to her and held her other hand, and told her why the nurse was doing what she was doing. Mom nodded slowly, and understood. I gave her a little bit of a popcicle, as that was what she wanted. Told her that I loved her, and continued to sit next to her. After a short bit, she changed....her mouth was open a slight bit, her eyes half open and she was making this weird sound....but not a sound of pain. It wouldn't be until later that I understood all that.
That night, we finally got rid of my shitty Aunt, as her daughter made her leave for the night. I went outside for a little bit to get some air, and then I came back in. I am in no way religious, but the next part I have to say....
When I was outside, I spoke outloud.... "Ok, God...you know I am not one to talk to you, but I am pretty pissed at you. My mom has NEVER done anything to you to deserve all this hurt, so if you love her, you get your a** down here and take her already." Then I spoke to her father..."Grampa Paul, I never met you, but mom spoke a lot about you and how much she loved, and missed you...if you care about her, come please help her to get up there with all of you...she cannot be here now, she needs to go on." Whe I went inside, I sat down and had the tv on for something to focus on...and I just felt I had to talk to mom, so I said..."Mom, you are the strongest person I have ever known, and even know today...you have put everyone before you and your needs for my entire life, and then some. You do not have to be strong now, you fought this bullshit for 3 years now...it's time you rest. I will be afraid, I will cry, and I will always miss you....but I will see you again, in time. But for now, for now you have to go...you have to go for yourself. It's ok, I promise...I promise I will be ok. It will just take time. I love you...so it's ok, it is ok to let go for now. Go be with your dad, and aunt that you miss so much."
I then turned and saw the tv was still on, and I got this sudden feeling wash over me...this immense feeling of calmness, Dave came down the steps...it had not even been 5 min since I spoke to her from the living room...I looked up at him, and asked...."Is she gone?"....and he nodded slowly. My mom waited until it was just me and Dave there with her....and she passed with Dave holding her hand.
The funeral happened that Friday...and ever since then...my life has turned a full circle, gon inside out, and upside down....I have lost interest in many things, and I am not sure if that interest will ever return. But for now I take it day by day.
So in time, I might return....and I might not. I will always cherish the people I made friends with on here, and I will never forget them either. For those that knew, Thank you for your condolences...and thank you for just being here for me if I needed you.
You know the saying...."The road to recovery is a long and twisted one"? That could not be more true.
KabbiChan1111 Community Member 
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