Do you think of me?
Do you still love me?
Often these thoughts run through my mind.
At night I lay awake letting these questions run loops in my mind, I think I am waiting for the day.
The day that you either tell me different or the day I realize our love was nothing but instant lust.
It has been a year since I talked to you.
An unfortunate fate brought us together.
But, you were cute. With how you asked me out on a date instantly grabbed me.
I blushed right away and the picture of you made me blush more. You were cute!
But…
The one who tried to get us together died, I remember…
I was getting ready for work, you didn’t want to tell me, some art of me knew something was wrong, but I was living in false hope.
You told me she died, July 9 2006 3:00 AM.
I told you to stop lying, that she wasn’t dead. Told you that you said she was getting better, that she was fine.
I didn’t want her to die.
Didn’t want her to be the reason we would never see each other.
I thought I was the one who brought death to the ones I love.
I ran to my bed room crying. Told my dad I wasn’t going to work.
I wanted to die.
I didn’t believe I could be happy without her. I never saw her face but she touched my heart.
I laid sobbing for a good hour.
Kept everyone out of my room.
I threw something across the room, I wanted to scream, cut myself, die; I wanted everything to end. Wanted all the ones I loved to stop dying.
I know I can’t stop that, but the pain was too much.
I thought of you, all alone in the hospital. No parent to help support you.
I felt selfish.
I wasn’t the only one suffering, you were her twin, you had more of a connection than I had with her.
I walked out of my room. My dad came and hugged me, I felt so empty. He whispered “I’m sorry”. For once we bonded. It only took 16 years. I hugged him, but I wanted it to be you I hugged. I wanted us to comfort each other.
I left the house, I needed to get away from the death.
I walked where cars nor people could see me, I dried my tears.
I past the cemetery, I wanted to stop but couldn’t, I don’t know why.
Maybe I thought that if I stopped that would be it. I would just stop. I made it to my friend’s house. One of his roommates answered the door. He instantly knew something was wrong but I held back my tears. My friend came to the door and I couldn’t say the words. I couldn’t let them be true. I wanted my false reality back. I felt the tears fall when I said “She’s dead, she died”.
The world froze, it was like I had all the time in the world to just fall down and quit, quit everything.
He hugged me tightly and I cried into his shirt, but I wanted you, I wanted to cling to you.
He was silent, he never asked questions or anything, just held me. Everyone crowded the door way. I felt stupid. Weak.
The truth was out. Ify was dead.
We would never have those talks about revenge or taking over the word, or going to Japan.
I felt silly. To think I hated her because my boyfriend was thinking about cheating on me. I blamed her for being pretty. But we grew on each other, she told me what happened. From what my boyfriend said. I never existed. I wasn’t there. If only I had known before I wasted my virginity on him. I should have known better.
You know, when I write this I think about how she is doing. If she is happy or watching over us. I thought I was over her death, come to accept it.
I talk about her often. But it still hurts.
I think about you too. Wonder how you are dealing, your brother and sister.
We never get to talk much, and it does worry me. But I think of that day soon to come. We will meet each other. You will give me that movie and dinner you promised.
Even if I chose a chick flick.
At least we will be together right?
Sometimes I think you have another girl in your life…
But you know what, I think I would still accept you with open arms. Sometimes I wonder if we are truly dating, but I did ask you out. I saved the letter. You said yes.
I consider that dating.
No matter how long it has been since we last talked. I still love you. Forever and Always.
Please keep my heart safe and warm.
I love you Arek,
Please, remember that.
You are Never alone. Close your eyes and think of me, I am always there.
Love From
Christy (Kai)
P.S. I’m sorry if this upsets you.
shedevilkai Community Member 
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