I've finally come back from my trip in San Diego and I can't necessarily say I'm happy to be back. Sure I don't have to deal with anymore lesbian comments for a while but everything else is as miserable as it always was, possibly worse.
I was actually feeling quite refreshed when I first got back, hoping to clear things up and get stuff straight. Unfortunately, there actually is an atmosphere of this...place that seems to completely cloud my mind.
While I was away, I was actually able to decide something that was bothering me for a while and I was rather proud of myself. Now I'm starting to second guess it because of god knows what now that I'm back.
I feel terrible again and I thought I would be able to pull myself out of this rut now that some important descisions were finally made and then....all the familiar and unwanted things hit me square in the face. I feel as indecisive as I was when I left and I can't stand feeling so god damned helpless! I feel like a child and everyone is force feeding me again! This was the exact way that I've felt all along but I was never able to describe it well enough until now. I'm glad that I'm home but I'm furious at the same time.
I don't like the idea but I'm starting to think that I hate my family for reasons unknown. No matter what I do, they all kick me left and right. I've been in this dance for my entire life and I don't know how much more I can take! I want to do things on my own! I want to learn how to function properly outside, damn it! But I'm still going to need help which I don't even know if I want from these people because all they do is make me feel weak and helpless! Now that I've seen how other families appear to function, I realize that there was one or two vital things that my own was missing. I don't want to blame my family but I think they're part of the reason as to why I'm so lost and confused with everything!
I can't recall a single time that I was told I am loved by any of these immediate relations and I've always thought that was normal until recently. I'm starting to question the morals of my parents and at the same time, I'm ashamed for even doubting them.
I feel horrible for having such dark thoughts and I wish I could stop them but the most I can do is quiet them by doing things that make me feel better or something that helps me disconnect. I know they care about me, I know I should be thankul being brought into such a house but for some reason I've always felt that I'm last place and there's this emptyness that seems to grow each year as I learn more and more about my own blood. As of this year, I see invisible chains from my blood that keeps me with these people. I feel like there's a collar being forged with my name and that I have to break my bonds in order to avoid it but I'm scared. I'm so scared...
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Everyone Knows that its Souzou!
It's made of crack ... No REALLY
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majordanger_gundam Community Member 
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Yet, don't think that your life is lesser than others because of it. At least you didn't end up a stuck up snob, or a brat, or anything else of the like. You are an intelligent, artistic, and might I say beautiful young woman, who's got her whole life in front of her. So what if you don't know what you want to do? Live life by the moment; pursue small goals in order to achieve large ones. By the time you know what you want to do, it'll be one step in front of you.
I know how you feel about your parents. Doug is grouchy and at times somewhat clueless about what is going around him while your mom is, well, just Carol.... But I know somewhere deep in there hearts they love you and just want you to succeed. They just don't know how to express it. If you show your feelings toward them, show shall they onto you. I also can't believe that there isn't a shred of love in your sisters for you. I know it seems unlikely, but if I can show care for Kevin, I think so can Lisa for you. The problem is that you don't show care for her. The only way to break the ice between you two is to interact in her world a little. Find a common interest. That's how Kev and I got to be close...that and I introduced him to his girlfriend...but that's another matter.... *ahem*