Hey, it's Treekee... I'm very confused about how I got to this section in my life, which probably wasn't ever supposed to happen.
Well, there are some things you don't know... why don't I just tell you the whole story? And I know it's long, but if you truly want to help me, you would. Don't skim through it- I promise you that you'd get confused easily. I've just been through alot of stress to do what I thought was good, and what was right...
Anyways, on tuesday, March 25th, Donovan broke up with me... I don't know why. We were talking like usual on the phone, and then out of nowhere he asked me "Do you think we're meant for eachother?" I was like, "Wow," because I'm the one who usually asks those types of questions. He seemed really confused about something- but I think he's got his eye on this one chick- Sarah Halloway or something like that. They hang out alot- but I don't know how they act around eachother, so I can't be the judge of that.
Anyways, he's been at his Dad's house alot lately, and he said that Sarah was over there, and that they were playing PS2, and his dad, who usually lies around the house drinking or doing nothing, told Donovan, "You and Sarah would make a cute couple," And he said "Well, I'm already with Mo." And you know what his dad asked? He asked Donovan, "But are you happy with her?" and he didn't know the answer. When he told me that he wanted to break up with me, I was cool with it- he's his own person and he's free to go as he pleases.
But the whole "why he did it" thing... that was troubling me the most. I talked to him again a few days later. It was a really short conversation, for some reason. I asked him why he broke up with me and if I did anything wrong, but he said I didn't do anything and that he wanted to be single just so he could figure out his future- like what he's doing in life and where he's going to go- and I asked him if he actually liked that Sarah chick, and he said "A bit"...
But after two nights of crying, many hours of thinking, and four conversations with Mel-mel, I had a solution that I thought was great. Since this is putting me through a tough time, My plan was to completely forget about him and moving on with my life. If he really cared about me, he wouldn't have done this in the first place, and if I remained with him, I would be cheating myself out of a better lover and life.
Do you know why we weren't the perfect couple, like some people said we were? On the outside maybe we looked like it, since we looked alike, had the same skin color and had the same body size, talked alot, showed affection alot; but he was like a little kid and I kept pressuring him to do things that he normally wouldn't do... After a while I felt like I was controling him, but he said I wasn't controlling or abusive, but I don't think he knows the diffrence... Also, since I had more experience in life and I was acting all stubborn and know-it-all-ish and he acted like a litle 10-year-old, we argued alot about disagreements...
But anyways. On Tuesday, April 1st, I called him, and I asked him if he's come to anymore desicions about his life- and he said he haden't really been thinking about it much. So okay- I was like, "Well, so does that mean we can get back together?" and he of course said no. I knew he liked Sarah a bit, so I asked if he still liked her- and he said yeah, and that during spring break when she was over at his house, she was all over him- like licking him, biting him, laying on his, ect. I asked him, "Well, why don't you do something about her?" and he said he tries, but she just comes back. But anyways.
I was just blown away, since I'm the type to get jealous, and so like a stupid idiot, I said- "Well, are you going to get with her?" And he said he was considering it... That hurt me so much- I mean, what kind of person says that to the girl that still cared about him? So he asked me odd questions, like "Would you be happy if we got married, and would you look upon any other man, like to cheat with?" (since we were planning on getting married when we were older, but he wasn't so sure) And I said I would never cheat, since I'm not the kind of person to do that. So I asked him again why he wouldn't pick me right away, but he didn't say anything... then I got really pissed off, so I told him, "If you really loved me, you'd do something about her; and if you really loved her, you'd do something about me."
He said he needed a few weeks to think about who he wanted to be with, and I to this I said, "Well, if you really loved me, you wouldn't have to choose between us." and then I just sorta hung up... I know that wasn't very mature, but I was seriously frustrated. I called my friend/therapist right after that and just burst into tears, telling her the whole story- and I even fely like commiting suicide. I cut myself the other day since I felt like no one really cared about me. (since my brother is trying to act all grown-up even though he's 12, and my mom is getting married in a few months and she spends all of her time with him now, and hardly ever talks to me)
So okay. The other night I called, and of course he wasn't there. I told his mom that I "had something really important to tell him," and I talked to his sister until he got home. My plan was just to say I'm going to just forget, and I wouldn't talk to him so he could choose her and wouldn't have to go through as much stress as I am going through right now, and also I had to arrange somthing to get my stuff back from him... So when I got the chance, I told him that I'd just make it easier for him and not put so much on him and just give up- and I haven't talked to him since.
Now, I feel like I did something wrong through out all this time that put everything out of balance. Yes, we had sex 11 times, No, he wasn't abusive, No, I didn't cheat... I treated him like he was everything to me, and he did the same- but I don't know how this all happened... I still care about him, but it's killing me that I can't talk to him or probably ever see him again.
What did I do wrong, and where can I go right?
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