Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

Rainy as hell today, got drenched just walking to the gym from the parking lot.
I started reading again, after god knows how long. Funny how someone can want to be a writer yet hasn't picked up a book in ages. But I'm starting with the book Carekee gave me for my birthday last year--When We Were Orphans by Kazuo Ishiguro. It's not bad, I'm actually kind of excited to continue reading it. I gave my other Ishiguro book to Nev, since it was so good, I wanted to share it with him. But maybe I'll buy another copy of Never Let Me Go because I think I'm starting to forget some of it...
I really miss Carekee. I miss the times we used to run amuck around LaSalle and tear apart the Grimoire office in order to put it back together. And all the times we said we'd go to Halal Bilal Steak N' Take just to see what the hell a "steak-n-take" was...but alas we never got a chance...Maybe I'll call her this week to say hi, if she's not too busy teaching...

These mood swings are killing me...Every day is torn between being on the verge of a nervous breakdown and being ok happy. I don't know if I can cope with notions like "love" and "the future"...Life can't be like some storybook that I can pick up and read--one with a happy ending. I can't change things, or people...All I can do is distance myself, try to sever emotions. The nightmares have been coming back...things I'm nervous about, keeping me up all night. I can't calm them.
I hate parties. I hate crowds. I just wish to be left alone in silence. I have this premonition of catastrophe, history repeating. This feeling that things will never work, yet unwilling to let go. These things may never change...I want to tell Greg that I won't marry him unless he learns to grow up, but I can't find my voice.

But it was so beautiful when he said, "Dandelions are not weeds; they're just flowers that no one else wants."