Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

Sex Jokes:
Enjoy.

1.)A husband and wife decided they needed to use "code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word Typewriter.

One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter".

The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter." The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.

A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now."

The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."


2.)One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on her butt and said, 'You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle.' While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought herself better and replied with silence. The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said, 'You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra.' This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the p***s. With a death grip in place she said, 'You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the gardener, the pool man and your brother.'


3.) A little boy came down to breakfast. Since he lived on a farm, his mother asked if he had done his chores.
Not yet, said the little boy. His mother tells him he cant have any breakfast until he does his chores. Well, hes a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. How come I dont get any eggs and bacon? Why dont I have any milk in my cereal he asks.

Well, his mother says, I saw you kick a chicken, so you dont get any eggs. I saw you kick the pig, so you dont get any bacon, either. I also saw you kick the cow, so you arent getting any milk this morning.

Just about then, his father comes down for breakfast, and he kicks the cat as hes walking into the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, Are you going to tell him, or should I


4.)One day Little Sally got her "monthly bleeding" for the first time in her life. Having failed to understand what was going on and being really frightened, she decided to share her trouble with little Joey.
When she found Joey she told him what was happeing, but he didn't quite understand so she showed him what her problem was.

Joey's face got very serious and he said, "You know, I'm no doctor, but it looks like someone ripped your balls off!"


5.)Adam was talking to his friend at the bar, and he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday - she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stuck."
His friend said, "I have an idea! Why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled." Adam decided to listen to his friend's advice.

The next day at the bar his friend said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?"

"Yes, I did," Adam replied.

"Did she like it?"

"Oh yes! she jumped up , thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling "I'll be back in an hour!!"


6.) This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up. Everything checked out fine.
The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, "Doctor, I haven't had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive."

The doctor smiled and said, "Have you tried to give him Viagra?"

The lady frowned. "Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache," she claimed.

"Well," the doctor continued, "Let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won't notice a thing."

The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor's office quickly.

Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head.

"How did it go?" the doctor asked.

"Terrible, doctor, terrible."

"Did it not work?"

"Yes," the old lady said, "It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I'd had in 25 years."

"Then what is the problem, ma'am?"

"Well," she said. "I can't ever show my face in McDonald's again."


7.) Three words to ruin a man's ego...
"Is it in?"


8.)Three female friends are sitting around one day talking about their boyfriends. They discover that their names are all Leroy. They decide to name them all after soda pops so they'll know who theyre talking about.

The first girl decides to name hers 7-up. Because hes 7 inches and is always up.
Second girl says im going to call mine Mountain Dew. Because every time I mount him he can always do me. Third girl says im going to call mine Jack Daniels.
The other girls say thats not a soda pop, that's a hard liquor. She says: "That's my Leroy."


9.) A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.

They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears.

Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher and huge bears on the top shelf along the wall.

The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her.

After a night of passion, as they are lying together in the after glow the man rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?"

The woman says, "You can have any prize from the BOTTOM shelf."