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I have this strange compulsion to write.

I keep telling myself there is some 'right' way to write. That there is a 'right' blog. That I should write on real paper. I don't know why. Its confusing. But I'll just write here since I feel like I am about to explode.

I want to do something with my life. And I don't know if I'm doing it. I thought I was. Maybe I am. But I don't know.

I tell myself that I am going to be an 'intellectual.' That after all this fantasy education I want I will magically be imbued with the know how to do the things I want. But I'm scared thats not true. Do I really have to wait another 5 years to do these things? What if I don't get the education I want?

I mean I am right now. But its turning out to be something other than what I thought.

I cried so hard when I missed the SAT date that I needed to submit my scores to the university I am at now. I cried so hard a few days ago when I knew I wanted nothing more than to leave this country.

What if the next 5 years of my fantasy education is the same? Where will I end up?

I tell myself that things will change. That I will change things. But I don't know if I can.

Then I look and see people who are doing things I want to do. Why can't I do it?

Its totally stupid and ridiculous but what got me in this mood was watching and hearing Utada Hikaru's Deep River. How did that happen? I mean the song came out 6 years ago when I was in America and had no idea who she was. And its not like last week was the first time I heard the song. In fact I heard it a while back and didn't think much of it. But on this lazy Friday night I watched it again and it got to me.

Why can't I make music that that? Why can't I make a video like that? Why can't I express myself like that?

I tell myself that I can. I can in 5 years. So I tell myself. But why can't I do it now?

How can I? I'm convinced I need an education to do so. But what if its all just a pretense. What if I right now am the man I will be when I die. Is there really anything I need to do then?

I'm so confused. I have a year until I graduate. What will I do after that? I told myself I would take a year off and prepare for graduate school. What if I don't get in where I want to go? Will I have wasted my time?

And as much as I hate this country right now I know I'll miss it when I go back. Its like the freaking island on LOST. I know I wanted to be here for a reason but things seem so dark right now.

I want to stay.
I want to go.
I want to learn.
I want to do.

I'm a mess...