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Rambling
It's days like this that I can hear her voice so clearly, even more clearly than those sweet, sad goodbye videos she gave me. I can almost feel her arm around my waist, the feel of fingers on my cheek, the taste of her breath as she looked into my eyes. "Puppy no be sad." her voice in my ears, making my heart throb even worse. "No stress." Seeing her kiss me gently first on the lips and then my forehead. Wondering if she feels the same gaping, burning hole in her chest while we're seperated. I never dreamed it would be this hard, but I know someday we'll be together. I hear her voice again "No, not everything. Not everything is falling apart." Knowing she's right offered comfort, at least momentarily, easing the pain, the burning had stopped. Flaring intensly at times when I miss her the most. I've been doing my best to escape reality lately, going to the book store to read for hours at a time. Reading books, that when I put them down to think, I find myself missing her more. Of course the books I'm so absorbed by are the ones she insisted I at least give a chance. The ones where the characters remind me of how our relationship is. I don't understand why I can't seem to think more positively. Is it from the way I grew up? Around my mother, constantly stressed, unceasingly pessimistic, eternally depressed. I hope not, I want to change that. I don't regret falling in love her, the most beautiful, amazing, sweet, romantic, perfect girl in existance. Coping is just something I know I have to deal with, but oh how I long to be in her arms again, if only for a moments peace. I can still see her stride across the room to retrieve that peice of candy and open it, a blush light on her face. I can still feel her hand take mine as she knelt down on one knee, her gaze holding mine as she asked me to marry her. I can still see the passion and the promise that lit them. I can still feel her lips against mine when we first kissed, still both not quite believing the other was there, wishsing to never wake if it was, as we thought, a dream. I can still see her getting out of that SUV, at that moment I could have sworn she was going to tear the door off of it to get to me, and not an instant later she was crushing me against her, and her to me. I do my best to grant her wishes. Trying not to stress, trying to stay happy, but it's been hard. I need to find a base, I need to find a cornerstone. I find all I really want is comfort, comfort that I can't seem to force myself to seek. I find it easy to rant on to people online, people I can't see, but in the end, I really don't want to place my burden on them anymore. I will wait as patiently as I can, but I wonder...what will this wait have in store for me....am I as strong as everyone seems to believe me to be? I hope so, because if I'm not, then surely I will eventually be crushed by the pressure that threatens to consume me.
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