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Mounting a Great Respect and Feeling a Great Dissapointment
Two things...
First of all, one of my brother's friends is...amazing...
I wish I could be more like him, on some levels. Last year, he did almost no homework at all. I know... that's not good, I don't want to underachieve... but it's more than that. He had the ability to say no to everything telling him to do homework... or change his style or clothes. I have enormous respect for that. I could never not do homework. It's beyond me. And I hate that about myself. It makes me too... ingrained in society. Too... like someone's shaping me. And I hate it. He has the ability to ignore all comments on his emo-ish style, and goes on with it anyway. No one likes it (well, I think it's cool xD)... and yet...? He's got some serious willpower, and I'm jealous. I mean, I'm stubborn in what I like too... but, the homework thing just blows my mind...
Second...much relating the first, actually. I am being forced to do the IB Programme. And, I hate it. More than anything. It's so much extra work for almost no reward. I'm not opposed to community service or anything... I'm opposed to being some little robot of a school program. I want to tell my parents no, but I can't. I don't know why. I just can't... I thought... I was so stubborn... had so much willpower... but I can't do certain things. I don't want to disappoint or hurt anyone. I can't. If I do... then I couldn't stand myself. But right now... I want to enjoy being a high school senior! Not write some 4,000 word essay, or some such crap. So... how did I get to this? Well, yesterday my brother got a few of his friends over here and they played Rock Band. I'm not too much a fan. But, I had fun. I actually felt okay hanging out with them (and one of my friends). I want to do it again. And, I want to get to know that one of my brother's friends. I don't know why. I need to. What makes him that way? And how do I do it?
Long story short... I need to change now. I'm no longer happy with me. I hate feeling weak. HATE IT. And I won't anymore... but, I hardly know where to start. Don't get me wrong... I won't go imitating people. If only it were that easy =/
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