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not at anyone in particular, just at the pain. It also makes me drive recklessly. I wonder why that is.

The Wu Dau stuff seems to incorporate a lot of Buddist or otherwise eastern beliefs. it seems to be based around what's right for you right now... there is no right and wrong and such, only what we perceive and what we project on it. I've heard that before and don't agree.

There is clearly right and wrong. There is sin and truth and that's all there is too it.
People can fap about all they want. It is wrong, an evil act, to lie, cheat, steal, murder and so on. They may have their reasons but that doesn't excuse that it was and is an evil act.

I don't like the way I am when I'm in small groups with people. I'm to domineering and it's like I'm trying to draw attention to me...like a brainy child that's desperate to be noticed and acknowledged. I'm not sure how I feel about that but it makes me want to not go to small meetings.

I attend some with my sister on occasional Mondays and apparently the meetings when I'm there are very different to the ones when I'm not. There is more interaction when I'm not there so and I don't want my sister to have to shush me... that would just kill it for me. At the same time i can't change what or who I am... so I've decided not to go anymore. Not until i figure out the where's and why's and find a way to interact without trying to pull all attention to me.

This brings tears to my eyes... I wonder why.

We did a meditation thingy today as part of the Wu Dau... it was the usual mystic bull. Picture your landscape, find your tree. merge with said tree and feel all you need love, nutrients from Mother Earth and blah blah drawn up through your roots. Let the love support etc of Mother Earth replace the failings of your own mother... then go up and do the same with father Sol, the sun.
Turn left and greet your female guardian... no one you know but familiar and ask her for what you need right now...
Turn right and do the same for male guardian. Thank all four for the love, support blah blah.
come back to self.

It strikes me as kind of sad really. You need to imagine love, support blah blah cause you don't have anyone in reality to give you that sort of thing?

We do though... we have a God who loves us down to the ground and up again, no matter what we do... and he is real and true. they might say that this is what you perceive it to be...but it's not. It's what the Bible says it is. Now you either believe and accept what the Bible says is true, or you don't. You don't try and mix and match with religion because there is only one truth and to mix and match is to dilute that one truth, to bring it down to our flawed human level.

This doesn't mean that we go out and exterminate all those who don't believe as we do... it just means that we share what we know is true and it's up to them to accept it. If your seeking answers to the meaning of life you won't find them in the eastern stuff, because in them seems to be no accountability. That may just be my perception of it to date though. We'll see.

Anyway, after the meditation thing we were to draw an aspect of something we visualized. Mine was a wee bit alarming. landscape was jagged black trees on a black landscape under blue black lightning baring clouds. My tree was this one I see on the Yarra Junction by pass all the time. It's this tall, rugged, rangy looking thing with green on the branches, except the crown which is bare, dead branches that look like they've been lightning struck or something. It's really striking and I love the way it looks against storm clouds and the mountains.
My fem guardian I knew, it was Kitty, the chicky I made as a kid to help guard me from nightmares... males guardian I didn't have a clue so he was just a generic blue cloud. Kitty had pain killers, cause by body was in blazing agony and the male, what i wanted from him was safety, security, to be nurtured, held and hugged with no sexual interest and strings attached.
We were also to visualize yourself as flower unfolding, mine was a pink camellia but damaged, with brown bits an black bits.
the drawings were done in crayon and I wouldn've killed for a gray crayon. The clouds and the ground should have been gray, not black... oh well.

man I've got issues.