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My sister on the drive home catalogued all the times I've irritated her friends and it hurt... It reminded me that I'm just a tag along. If I had friends of my own I hopefully wouldn't get on their nerves as much but I don't. I think I'm very lonely but I have no idea what to do in social situations and I hate it when everyone else seems to know the rules and I don't. I tend to avoid social situations except with family 'cause i find them stilted and boring.
For some reason any negative criticism, even if it's right or accurate, hurts. It leads to confusion on my part. Things like, I need to change that... hang on... do i really want to change that... why should i change that... How do i change even if I wanted to... It's to big for me to think about so i just don't and avoid situations where I might.
Also I'm crappy at picking up social cues so unless someone tells me I'm doing something wrong, I really wouldn't' have a clue.
I'm also sad and hurt, cause a while back my sister got involved with a druggy loser and apparently got pregnant to him... and she had an abortion. She didn't feel she could trust or tell any of us 'cause mum was so against her being with this guy. She told a friend but none of us.
That really hurts. Didn't she think she could trust me to keep it to myself? Did she think we'd just throw her out? We would have coped to support her and the baby or she could have put it up for adoption.
It horrifies me that he took advantage of her to the point where he slept with her. She was barely sixteen if that and he was my age... older in fact (forty odd) with no stable job and a drug habit. She only hooked up with him because he hung around here a lot.
I don't know if mum knows but I won't be the one to tell her. She did the best she could for us but she was working and dealing or not dealing with her own damage.
It really makes me sad cause i wanted to be there for my sisters, I wanted to be someone they trusted and it only half way worked. (one twin was happy to confide in me, the other was so very not.)
She didn't have to turn to strangers or a new boy friend! I would have supported her and she never gave me a chance to. Maybe that's what hurt most.
Well, that and both of my sisters have slept with dumb arses. Maybe the only reason I haven't was due to the fact that I was molested as a kid and it was never properly dealt with. Been gun shy of guys ever since and never did anything that would get me out where i could meet some decent ones... wait, that's not true. I went to tafe and I worked in a second hand book shop and a gym, I was just to in pain and oblivious to take notice though.
I want friends, a support network, but I don't know how.
That's what makes me saddest of all.