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New York
Jan. 21, 2013

A random Japanese building that really has nothing to do with New York


Loud static of a walkie talkie buzzed at the hip of a fat man in a covert Opps. Outfit, suspended about 500ft. above ground by a little wire that was making creaking noises. The fat man reached around to his back at pull out the walkie- talkie, only to fail to reach it, and with the reaching motion, the momentum caused him to spin. “Oh s**t, I’m getting dizzy! Get over here you little-!” The fat man said enraged at the walkie- talkie, spinning even faster now. At long last he finally caught it. He clicked the little red button to talk to his caller.

“Agent Sloth, are you in yet?”
It was his mission handler, Lt. Crunch.

“Crunch, I… Oh s**t, hold on! I’m going to-“

“Sloth, what‘s wrong, respond, where you found? Sloth? Sloth!
A loud wrenching sound came over the walkie- talkie. Sloth had just thrown up from the spinning motion of the wire which had not subsided.

500ft. below where Agent Sloth is…


“Wow, life is great for me today! I asked my girlfriend to marry me and she accepted, my mother died and I got all of her money, I kicked a puppy, and found an upside down penny on a crack which I stepped on after crossing a black cat and breaking a mirror, I don’t know how today could get any better!” A guard of the Random Japanese building that has nothing to do with New York said to his lonesome self. Then his cell phone wrong, making him jump. “Hello, what? My mom is alive, my fiancé died in a bloody accident, Mc Cain won?!?!!! How can this night get worse?!” Then, as soon as he said this, a large collection of orange vomit fell from the heavens, landing squarely on his person. “Is this a sign from God?! God why do you hate me?!... Oh no, its got chunks of carrot and … and… what is this stuff!!!” the guard said.


500ft. where Agent Sloth is …


“What the hell was that?” lt. Crunch asked, clearly sickened by the sound

“Sorry about that, I just threw up… I hope I didn’t hit anyone important who just happened to be standing there and whom just so happened to be having a bad day that started off good. That would suck.”

“Yes, well just remember the mission, You are Agent sloth, trained I stealth killing and stealth operations, and stealing cookies from the jar without anyone knowing, Your mission is to find out what this Japanese building that has nothing to do with New York is doing in New York.”

“I know all that… Why say it?”

“It’s called a writers convenience, this sort of information has to be told some how.”

“Well, that was the worst one I ever heard. What is the writer drunk or something?”

“I swear officer, I only had a few –hiccup-“

Sloth looked up to see where the voice emanated.

“Wow, now I’ve heard it all. Let’s just get on with the assignment.”

“Oh yeah, Sloth, after you finish this, I will promoted!”

“Good for you, what will be your title?”

“Captain Crunch!”

Sloth clicked the red button again to turn the walkie- talkie off again Sloth began to rock back and forth , aiming for the open window to the random Japanese building that has nothing to do with New York. He got higher and higher every swing, but when he got to the peek of his swing, the cable then snapped under the weight of almost 300 lbs. With his momentum, he flew forward, colliding with the side of the building. “No good…” He said as he felt himself slide down the building. He slid faster and faster, screaming a high pitched squeal as he did, until finally he collided, groin first with a flag pole. His already high pitched scream increased ten fold at the collision. His shriek was so high pitched; it shattered the window that was in front of the flag pole. He crawled in slowly, wincing at each inch he took.

He made it into the room, and as he landed, a sharp pain went through his … area. He cupped his hands and headed to the door. Just before he made it half way the door opened to reveal an older lady. She looked at him, ten where his hands where. Her face grew red with anger. Sloth’s eyes grew wide with realization. “No, no, it isn’t what it looks like, I swear!”
She did not listen to him. From her purse she withdrew a can of mace and sprayed the entire cans inhabitants in his eyes. He ran from the bathroom crying, and screamed, “You just don’t understand!” the guard from the first page saw the odd looking man run from the bathroom crying with his hands over his face. “Girl time gone wrong? “ He asked him self.

Random Japanese building that has nothing to do with New York,
Hallway (A)


The loud walkie talkie buzzed again;

“Sloth, I see you on the map, there is a guard at the other side of the hall and to the left.”

“You can see me on a map? What map, I wasn’t told of any maps.”

“We have satellites orbiting space that pick up thermal energy and make a map based off of it.”

“We? What’s this we? You live in your dad’s garage with your boy friend!”

“He’s not my boy friend, he’s a level 17 dungeon mage, and should be treated as such!”

“Sure… Hay wait, if you can see me, what am I doing?”
Sloth started to dance in place after he finished

“You’re doing the thriller dance… Now you’re holding up 8 fingers… Now your flipping off a billboard… now your peeing on a little tree used for decoration… now your, ok now it’s just getting ridiculous!”

“Alright, back to work with me… I’ll try the new truth serum you gave me on the guard.”


Sloth crept up to the guard and stuck a syringe into his neck. “Tell me, what this place is?!” Sloth demanded. He quickly pinched his index finger and thumb to his nose. The smell of vomit was strong with this one. It was the guard that was mentioned two times before. “From when I was one and until I was thirteen I wanted to be a tap dancing- froggy- ballerina!” The guard blurted out. “What the hell?” “I watch “the view” and still have my teddy bears!” Sloth pushed the button on the walkie talkie; “Crunch, your serum is too strong, now he is a rambling idiot!” The sound of old Star Trek re- runs where playing in the background. “So?” Crunch asked impatiently. “It’s really scaring me…” “Butter toast, Eddie, butter toast!” The guard shouted. “Lt. Crunch, I think I broke him…”

“The serum?”

“No, the guard. He smells like vomit, I think I may have just stuck that thing in a retarded person… I feel like an a** now.”

“Press on, Sloth. The fate of this terrible story is in your hands.”



Random Japanese building that has nothing to do with New York
Office


Sloth continued down the hall and made his way into an office room. He found a filing cabinet and swiftly rifled through it. “Let’s see here, wow, these files are interesting; secret location of Area 51, Ralph Nader’s plans for world domination, Al Gore’s plans for world destruction, pictures of George w. Bush. drinking with Satan… nothing that will tell me what’s going on.” Then all of the sudden, voices emanated form the hallway and headed towards the office. He had to hide; he had to make himself scarce… but how? When you are a 300lb. person with a patch that says, “Hello, my name is Sloth,” and you have a black Opps. Outfit on, you are rather conspicuous. Then it came to him. He saw a card board box in the corner. He dumped its inhabitants out on the floor, crouched down to all fours, and hid under it.

“So, did you see that Family Guy last night? That was the best! especially the part where-. That’s odd… Do you remember leaving that box flipped over, and its inhabitants left about the floor in a manor that suggests that some poor fool is probably using it to hide under?” Sloth saw threw the slot where you would grip to pick up the box, that it was two janitors. “No I don’t, but I’m sure that there is nothing wrong with it. Come on; let’s turn our backs for just long enough for the box to possibly escape out the wide open door.” The second janitor said in an enthusiastic voice. Upon his command the two did as they said they would, as did Sloth he maintained his all fours position and crept to the door, only to collide with the wall instead. The two janitors turned around at the sound of the box. The janitors walked carefully toward the box. Sloth withdrew a silenced pistol from a holster on his leg, and fired at the janitor’s leg. The janitor fell to the ground, grasping his leg. “Dude the box is alive! It just bit me!!! Get the holy water! We knew this day would come! Be gone demon box! Be gone!” The janitor that was still standing withdrew a flask and emptied the liquid on to the box. “Oh no! That was my whiskey! Wrong one.” He withdrew a second flask, this one with a cross on it. Sloth scurried out of the room quickly to escape before they could catch him and remove the box. “Be gone spawn of Satan!” The shot guard screamed.



Random Japanese building that has nothing to do with New York
Hallway (B)


After his narrow escape from bible thumping janitors, a brief snack in the cafeteria, and a funny bit that I cut out, involving him getting past a laser grid through a series of failed flips and other such acrobatics, Sloth arrived in front of a door that read, “Office/ secret lair of the C.E.O of ‘The Random Japanese building that has nothing to do with New York, ’please knock before entering.” The radio buzzed off again.

“Sloth, that’s the office/ secret lair of the C.E.O. of ‘Random Japanese building that has nothing to do with New York’”

“Really, I couldn’t have guessed. How did you know? Was it the gothic style torches on either side of the door, or the sign?”

“Well if you want the honest truth of the matter, was what I was going to say when you found it, I was practicing, but this works out very well. He should still be in there. Now is you chance.


Intermission…


“What the hell was that?” Sloth asked.

“What do you mean? I didn’t notice anything.”

“There was a pause where there was about …1, 2, 3, 4… 4 spaces down the paper where in the middle there was a word that said “Intermission.”

“The writer must be getting board with his own story…”

“No, just a bathroom break… Back to work with you two. Sorry readers.”

“Um… Ok then… Uh, where were we… Oh yeah, Sloth, be careful sloth, this guy is dangerous.”


Inner sanctum of the C.E.O of the Random Japanese Building that has nothing to do with New York


Sloth kicked the door the first time, but leapt back in pain, jumping up and down on one foot, clutching the other in pain. He tried it several times over until he heard a voice emanate from the room saying, “its open!” Sloth turned the door knob and sure enough it was indeed. “I knew that” Sloth responded. .

He opened the door to find a dimly lit, but fancy looking office room. Ahead of him was an odd sight how ever. It was what looked like one of those crane game’s arms descending to put what looked like a rat (But was actually a wig) on top of a balding head. The claw’s grip, then tightened, grasping the head of the C.E.O. and lifting him from his swivily chair. “Ah! What the hell is-! Put me down, put me down!” The wide appearance of the C.E.O. rivaled that of Sloth’s. The figure hit the arm repeatedly with his flabby arm. He then reached into his pocket, pulled out a remote and pushed a button repeatedly until, with a heavy ,”THUNK!!!” he fell to earth once again. The C.E.O. turned to face Sloth and to Sloth’s surprise; “William Shatner!? WHY?!” Shatner began to laugh an evil laugh to suggest his pleasure that someone finally noticed him in his life, and responded in a broken up voice; “so you- want to – know why I – started up this- Random Japanese building that has nothing to do – with New York? Well, I shall tell you; you see- it all began- when -I was a- small boy, I – …”

“Dude, seriously?”

“What?”

“You’re just going to tell me? Just like that?

“Well… yes. Yes- I – am.

“Why?”

“It’s another- writer’s convenience- but of course, not even a – good one – will save this – sad excuse for a story. Now- as I was saying-…”

“You know what, [adult content deleted] it dude, Just [adult content deleted, again] it! Let’s just skip to the fight scene!”

And so they did. Sloth pulled out his pistol and emptied the entire magazine towards William Shatner. To this Shatner bended backwards, (Quite literally) and dodged each of the bullets. Sloth then chucked the now empty pistol at Shatner’s face, which made him fall to the floor, knocking off his rat- for- a hair piece. Shatner slowly stood up and faced Sloth, an engraving of, “Property of Agent sloth, please return to 3647, willow avenue (Unless you are a bad guy, then destroy so you don’t know where I live,)” from the slide of the gun. He then proceeded to let out his signature cry of, “Kahn!” and rushed in at Sloth. The two began to engage in a fierce sissy slapping fight, but as they did, two shots rang through the air, and both Shatner and Sloth where dead. It was the guard that had the bad spell of luck through out the story. He was covered in crusted vomit, and a string of drool fell from his mouth, “Dast for all te sship oo put mi throo! And shitner, I jush dunt like oo!” The Guard said, his tongue still numb from the serum that sloth tried to give him (he said, “that’s for all the s**t you put me through, And Shitner, I just don’t like you!”) Another shot rang out and a bullet hit me. “Owww! What the hell?!” “Mi nam ish Larry! Sow shtop cawling me gud!”(“My name is Larry so stop calling me guard”) “Sorry. Oh, wait… You just killed the antagonist and protagonist… That means this story is over! HA, HA! Thank you! Now I can say I’ done and prey to god I get a good grade for this…umm…story” “Sowry ishn da wer I wud ush.” (“Story isn’t the word I would use”)
END