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I have never thought how I would long for something I lost. I have never thought that I was even scared of losing something. All i thought was I have nothing more to lose because i have lost everything from the beginning. But during the while I was thinking about those thoughts, I didn't realized that I gained people, people who I am about to lose again.

My mom... I never thought that I still linger for her touch, for her preach, for her attention. I wanted to do everything for her. All her selfish demands...I wanted to do everything of it. I wanted to be of use to her even though we seldom meet. I wanted to please her so much, thinking that maybe she would choose me...that maybe she would come back and gather our family back together.

My best friend... I always thought that even though I won't make extra efforts for us to spend time together, she would be the one doing the move. I have always yearned for their full attention, their smiles, their victories. I wanted to be a part of their lives. I have always been selfish when it comes to them. Only them did I expect to be loved. I always thought I'm okay with them, getting close to other people. But I denied that feeling because that was just asking too much. I never wanted to suffocate someone of too much love that I couldn't even give to my own self.

My self... I felt like I have been losing my self. I'm not me. People are forcing me to change without doing it on purpose. They made me feel grief, jealousy, anguish, rage and other unpleasant sentiments. I want to end it all with a single move but the real me wouldn't like that. She wouldn't like to see me ,lying on the floor, cold dead. She wouldn't want to see me wasting all her efforts.

I don't want to be hopeless, breathless, lifeless.