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chris's journal of whatever the hell i think of.
Life, as beautiful as it sometimes is, sucks. Espescially at the point I'm at. 19 years old, graduated high school last year, and still no college applications out. Maybe I could get in if I applied; I've been told serving in Americorps, and City Year in particular, looks awesome on an application. But I have a hard time believing that it will blot out what my transcript shows, the smart, unapplied kid who dicked around in class, didn't do homework, and aced tests, barely scraping up a 2.something-less-than-5 GPA by graduation. So now I'm stuck finding a job in a horrificly bad economy, with the worst damn unemployment in decades, or enlisting as battles continue in the middle east, and the whole drug war in Mexico escalates into an actual ******** war.

And to top s**t off, I get dumped. That was almost a month ago, but it still hurts. She was my first girlfriend, and we'd been together for 3 years. That's a long time, particularly for the first one. I...I almost don't know what to do without her, she's been a part of my life for that long. But I work so much, and just continue with life, and try not to brood like I am now. It's like picking at a mental scab; left to it, you only make the wound worse.

All in all, I just feel lost. Everything just keeps happening around me, and I get caught in the current, a leaf on the river with no way to stop myself. I'll have a cigarette or write, go for a run now the weather's nice, and the spinning slows a bit, but I still don't control where I'm taken; my habits just help me unwind a little better.

On the plus side, the IRS owes me 700 dollars, which I should get in about 2 weeks. So at least I'll have a car by next month, and can share of the misery with my family, not just my friends. That's a ways off for now though, so I'll just take a cigarette and some sleep for now.

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