Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

of everything that's gone wrong with me. I'm tired of having to hide my thoughts from people so that i'll at least seem to be a normal kid when really i'm not. I'm tired of having to hide from even myself the feelings i want to be known...i want to stop putting the blame on others so that i'll at lest pretend to be happy for even a moment. It sucks, and i dont like it.

I hate having to look at everything i'm doing and seeing only the negative effects, having to second guess myself so that i'll cause harm to just me and save everyone else the guilt or the shame of even knowing me. And yet, i find it kind of pleasing knowing that sometimes i do more harm than good, taking my anger out on someone else for a change instead of holding it in and driving myself up the wall.

I hate thinking about...her when thigs don't go the way i plan, i hatee thinking of finding refuge and hiding from my mistakes, and the only escape is pushing it all on her...the one i love. I hate doing this, i hate blaming myself and pushing the responsibility of fixing everything on her, thinking that if she fixed it, then i'd be okay.

I'm tired...of everything.