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I'm not sure if I hate life, I think I might. I think it feels like a long boring science movie that I watch in class, all I want to do is stare at the clock, my eyes hurt, my legs hurt from those uncomfortable stools we I have to sit in. I just watch the seconds tick by, tick, tick, tick, the little red line goes across the white plain circular clock. I'm nauseous, was it lunch? Or is it the feeling of wanting the clock finally hit the right time, the bells rings, the movie stops, everyone rushes out. Probably the latter.
That's what life is, a long, boring, arduous science movie, that I just what to end, not with some epic explosion that will hurt though, just something simple, like letting the screen fade to black, the credits role by, just like when you die your life supposedly flashes before your eyes, I wouldn't know, sadly, I've never died, and it will be a long time until I do. I don't know if I want to kill myself, if I want to cut myself. I've cut myself before, just three times, the first two barely went deep enough to draw blood, the third one did. I got caught, I was with my friends, one of them only a friend of theirs, not really mine, the sweat band that I had been wearing rolled up further onto my hand, I heard him say woah, I followed his gaze, my cut was fresh everyone could see it, the conversation died. It seemed the world had gone absolutely silent for that moment, was I supposed to say anything, sorry to those people if I was, because I didn't. I pulled my sweatband back down quickly, maybe I blushed, I don't quite remember. Soon everyone began to talk again, like nothing had happened. Sometime later, though I fail to recall when, my best friend (Who secretly annoyed the living s**t out of me) talked to me and told me to promise that if something was wrong that I would talk to her and I would never do that to myself again. I didn't talk to her when felt bad, but I haven't cut myself since, that might have been in October. I don't tell anyone, I type it here sometimes, not all of the time, sometimes I just keep it in, but a lot I write it here, who reads this anyway? Nobody. I might want to die, but I don't want it to hurt, I just want to slip something, maybe a poison into myself and drift off to sleep, only I would never wake up again. It wouldn't hurt, I'd just go away, I don't think that anyone would care, I have two friends, and they are the type of friends who I talk to in class or lunch, even that rarely.
As long as I can remember I have always been the chaser, by the chaser I mean the one who strives, good grades have never come to me as they do for other peoples, I work to make them happen. Friends, oh please, no one has EVER came up to me and tried to be my friend, when I was a new student I had people com up to me, but they never invited me to sit with them or their friends, and if they did, they dropped me the next day, I was a shiny new toy the first day, then I had all ready gotten mud covered and used, all luster or curiosity gone. Even here or on other internet sites, I never have had someone come and talk to me, even my friends, or even relationships, rarely PM me without me PMing them first, I'm pathetic. Nobody likes me, but then again I hate myself so how can I expect anyone else to like me.
Am I really bi, or do I just want to make myself fit into the stereotypical "emo"? I don't know what I like, of course I can think women are pretty of course I can think of them in a sexual way, but is it true desire or merely a curiosity, a strive to be different? I don't know how to straighten out my feelings, I don't know how to make them simple, is there such a thing as simple anymore?
I assume that nobody will ever love me, strike that I KNOW that no one will never love me, I'm fat and ugly with frizzy disgusting hair, ugly strangely shaped eyes, red face, and most definitely some other less predominant flaws. No one will ever love someone like me, I have a stupid laugh, low self esteem, think I'm funnier than I am, I'm lazy, dirty, mean, sarcastic, nosey, and just plain bad. I don't like myself, no one really should like me in their right mind anyway.