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Ugh, I need to vent. I seriously blame not being able to get my hands on a razor blade. Mom threw away all my old ones cause they were rusting and Gunnar (that prat!) broke the new one she got me. No idea how to get more. Grandma's not helping either. Cause shipping me off to some insane asylum's really gonna help matters. I mean, really?! Can you be that stupid?! UGH!!! And she wonders why I never tell her anything! She doesn't care, doesn't give a s**t. So long as the problem goes away, she doesn't care what's causing it. Ugh, family. Complete waste of life. Sometimes they're cool, most times they just supply a place where I put my s**t. I love them. I do, but really. Most of the time it feels like my friends are more helpful. I don't get it. Why do most people really love their family and can't imagine life without them, but I really think I'd be alright without them? I know that sounds stupid, but I feel like I could get by. I might not be as happy or as content or able to go to college, but....I'm not as attached to them as some people are to their parents.

Lamest comment coming your way: I feel really lonely. Isolated and stupid for feeling like that. It's not like I don't have anyone to talk to. If I called up Lauren, she'd talk me through it, but it wouldn't feel genuine. Which is of course the problem. I love her. I do, but....i never feel like I can talk to her, which I know upsets her, but she's too much for me. Everyone loves her. Every guys gets a crush on her. Everyone would rather be with her. It's upsetting. How am I expected to keep my confidence up when I'm dealing with that? It's not possible.

I really shouldn't go away on the weekends. I get so weird when I'm stuck in Ventura with no one but a grandma that drives me crazy and a dad I can't talk to. To add to it, my grandma tried to make a facebook. I was near tears, over something that small. I was so freakin worried that the one spot where I can at least mildly be myself was about to go away cause it would all be grandma filtered. Ugh! I hate being a teenager. I just wanna skip to college. There's no point in high school. I'm not even looking forward to senior year. Most of my friends are seniors or sophmores. It's not like being a senior will feel that great. College and graduation and applications and essays and trying to survive.

It's cute how they pretend to care. If they really cared they wouldn't make me feel like a freak. They'd at least fake understanding.