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The ICU nurses told me that I could stay the night. That I could stay for as long as it takes. That’s nice of them. But I would have stayed even if there were ten security guards in here, trying to wrestle me out of this wretched hospital.
These hospital walls have seen my face much more than I would care to remember. But I can’t forget them. All these walls know of me are sullen eyes and a thin, straight line of my lips; a slow hesitant walk that showed that I didn’t want to be here. The walls have seen many people like me. Especially the white-washed walls of the ICU. No one is happy here. This isn’t a place for happiness. Unless you’re lucky enough to come here and stand by a loved one who’s just given birth. Then it’s happy. But besides that… Utter depression.
The room we were placed in was small. Meant for two people, but, given the circumstances, they were trying to keep the second bed open for as long as possible. I had the curtains pulled so no one could see inside. Every time we were here before, the nurses would force me to keep the curtains open so that they could look in from their station, make sure that the patient was alright. But this time… This time they didn’t need to check.
It’s was one in the morning, and I had turned the lights out before sunset. Demitri always loved turning the lights off so that the house got dark along with the rest of our side of the world. He would scold me if he saw the seven large, empty coffee cups that sat along the counter near the sink. He would also scold me for being here still. He’d scold me for not being asleep. But right now, none of that mattered. I was here for him. And that’s how it was going to stay.
I rested my head down on the pillow next to his. We were sharing the small hospital bed, even though I knew I wasn’t supposed to be on here. But we had space. And I wanted to be as close to him as possible, for as long as possible. According to the doctor, it would be a few more hours. Maybe we’d get to be together to see the sunrise one last time.
I tear up again, my stinging eyes and my salty, shredded throat hating me for thinking as much as I do. I swallow against the lump in my throat and squeeze Demitri’s cold, motionless hand slightly, comfortingly. There’s no reassuring squeeze back, like there used to be. No. There wouldn’t be, ever again.
I stare at my love’s face lovingly, sniffing as I reach up with my other hand to readjust the oxygen mask covering his nose and mouth. I can barely hear him breathing. I would look to watch his chest move up and down, but, due to being night blind, that’s not an option. It picks my spirits up just a little knowing that at least he’s not struggling for breath. He seems so at peace. More than I’ve ever seen him. He’s not in pain.
I sniff again, and then quickly and easily move off of the bed, tracing my soft steps over to the counter and feeling across it until I found the box of tissues. I grabbed one and blew my nose before throwing it into the trashcan; or towards where I had remembered it was, anyways. I stared at the wall for a second, tiredly, noticing how raw my nose was becoming because I was blowing it so often.
Placing my hands on the edge of the counter, I looked down, feeling my tangled blond hair falling down over my face. Demitri had wanted to cut it last week. But he hadn’t been looking too good, and so I had forced him to lay back and relax. He had been silent for an entire day, pouting that I was making him rest. All I did was lay beside him, cuddle him, and do everything that needed to be done, feeding him when he was hungry.
This is it, I told myself. I started crying again at that one simple thought, and I gripped the counter tight, so tight my hands hurt. It tried to keep it quiet, and I turn around, leaning back against the counter as I glance to where the bed was. I walk back over, covering my mouth with my hand as if that would help. A few seconds later, I had climbed back onto the bed.
I wrapped one arm around Demitri, not having to worry about any IV’s besides the one he had that gave him morphine. He didn’t need any of the others anymore. They wouldn’t do anything.
I moved in close, draping one leg over Demitri’s as I rested my head on his chest. And I cried. I cried hard, gripping the one and only man I’d ever loved. The only man I would ever love in my entire life. He was my everything.
And this was it.
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