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Why?

I don't know lately, but I have been thinking. Why do I dream of things that I am likely to never attain? things that I have but an unknown chance of ever achieveing. I want to make a name for myself in this world, but the more I look at it, the more I think about it, I just want out of this world, this existance. Hardly anything make me happen, most food has lost its flavor and everything tastes bland or disgusting. As a result, I have been losing a lot of weight, but for some reason I am gaining strength. or, at least, i am not losing any. I hate this life, I want nothing more to do with it. In fact the only things tht bring me any type of joy are the few escapes I get with books, movies, and games. The more I see, the more I realise what my true self is, what I really want. I am not going to sugarcoat or deny it, I want to die. to end it all. But, I could never do that, it would disgrace and dishonor all that I love, all that I stand for. even now, as I am pouring my jumbled thoughts onto this page, I am couting each slow beat of my heart, counting its yearing to be free of it tireless work. i don't know. I have seen.... I don't even know anymore. I recently saw a movie that really made me think, made me realise my yearnings.... but still, this will likely never be read by anyone but me as I type. all I want is to be free of this, to soar high above the trees, or flit quickly between them. just to live my life unopposed and how I wish it instead of to the strings of others. All i want is to be free.... why? I guess it is just the beast in me railing to get out, my insticts and desire to be free of these bonds.... I don't know....