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It hurts so much. She wants to be close to her girlfriend... She loves her with all her being. And Yes, she's my ex.... but I ******** love her. Not Becca, my girlfriend. Not Emily, my best friend. No one else. I've looked everywhere but in front of me. I couldn't see what I had til I lost it. Now it's plain as day and I'll never have it again... I'll never be happy... I remember the spark, the flame... the warmth of happiness... Now, even when Becca is around, all I can whip up is a smile and a great ******** mask... Then, when she leaves, I cry... Knowing that every time I say "I love you", I WISH it was true... life would be easier if I could move on. But I've been trying to move on for so long, that it's completely obvious I'm "moving" in the wrong direction... but the door is shut on home... my home is lived in by another... the warm fireplace, the christmas sweet corn, and the bubbily bath tub... even the rose petal covered bedroom... all someone else's. And she's locked the door. She'll never leave because she sees what I didn't.... I wish I could forget everything and start over... I wish I could go back and fix my mistake... but no... I stay with Becca now only to make her happy... for I know I'm doomed to never be happy. Why am I writing this in a ******** journal rather than confiding in anyone? Because the last wish of my True love... my ex wife... my other half... was that I write in here instead of ever talk to her or her girlfriend ever again... and for once I'm doing it. This won't be the last time... I'll run to here every night now... because I can't run home. I'm in the wintery hell, where the only warmth is all these burning buildings.... and glass covers the ground. I walk only to cause myself pain. Only to bring about an emotion other than sadness. I refuse to go numb... I won't do it... I've broken so many promises to Kittie... Cailyn... Casandra... I won't break the promise to never go numb... instead I'll cry... every night.... I'll cry the tears that mirror the ones I caused her... the bullets that killed my happiness and changed her... surprisingly? they didn't change her forward... or into something she's not... the irony is that after moving out of the house... It returned to the home I love... the one that needed repair... but there's another girl... A better person... A true angel... this demon will rot in the hell he belongs... they will be happy...

signed...
Zack
James
Dominic