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Kashi,
I don't know how to start or where to begin. I'm just really, really sorry. I'll try to use as many simple words as possible. I know your reading isn't grand and I wish I could have taught you how. I can't draw though, the drawing on the wall was merely me in my horror. It was like I could see it and I just traced the lines.
Well, at least I can hope that I am in a place of eternal peace, no one really mentions where we go after we die, at least not to my knowledge. Considering what I've done, I can only hope the Elders are merciful with my soul, assuming I do have one. I worry that my thoughts and my wishes and will aren't mine at all, that what I think isn't original thought and that I am so much a puppet that, well, I'm not original. I'm nothing but clay and porcelain. I don't bleed, food tastes like sand. Bananas and pudding though, you press your tongue against it and it moves out of the way by becoming creamy. If I focused hard enough sometimes I could just barely taste the sweetness.
I wanted to repent, but instead I'm just writing my thoughts. It's only been a day since you left and the President was quick to enter the country and lock me up. She's so worried about your predictions, but she didn't expect you to go with them. I'm trying to do what you did, take the drugs slowly, but I fear she will grow too impatient and force them into me. I am not much of a seer, anything I've seen is too far advanced, to far past the Kaspians and past our world, it's useless to her. Except, Except your death. She revels in that, she can't wait for it and it makes me angry and afraid all at once.
But what I have seen, Brother, it's absolutely amazing. Humans are an up and coming race, even in their futures, so far ahead of us, as destructive as they are, as so out of tune with nature as they are they really are beautiful creatures. But again, I am but a puppet, how can I not be jealous of the living? They're so flawed and they try so hard because they're aware of their flaws. Funy, I tried to do that and I just slept with women instead of confronting you.
But can you imagine, when I was first created we were both boys, and the first night I was able to sleep I saw what I assumed was my death at the time. I knew not you existed until much later. I was forced to be educated, and their terms of education were not pleasant like in Nalaenir. Looking back now, I am so horrendously glad that they did not educate you, but that Mr. Henry taught you enough to work from. I still wish I could have taught you. I'm quite the failure of a brother.
I'm glad I chose Tsume to be your friend when I'm gone. You both sort of had the same look in your eyes, you know, when I first met him. It's hard to describe I suppose, you both were sort of lonely even though you had people. Tsume had Leo and you had the head staff. I'm a little jealous of him, actually, I assumed it was hatred when I first met him but it's jealousy. He got you to like him faster than you ever liked me. Somewhat my fault though I am scared of you.
You are so beautiful and so intimidating to me, you've no earthly idea how much I adore you and your life. I love you too much, it's a painful feeling. I love you the way brothers love brothers, the way friends love friends and the way men love women. It's a very painful, very conflicted feeling to have such a strong love for somebody who dislikes you.
I never assume you hate me, you're not capable of something so cruel. Dislike, perhaps, frustration and annoyance, most definitely.
If future allows it, Brother, I would gladly die in your place. I have a mountain of regrets and sins, but dying for you I will gladly accept. If I can change the future just a little bit when we're so close to the day of your death, just that one event that changes everything, I would change it so you don't die and I do. It's the least I can hope for.
But to change the topic dramatically, as I've nowhere else to put this and I feel myself nearing the end of this letter, it is my personal opinion that you should go to Falia. You don't need to become a Falian yourself but you could become an Ambassador for Nalaenir, spend so many months there and so many months here. I don't know if you would be happier, I imagine the change to such a high ranking position might shock and intimidate you, but it is a thought. I cannot imagine what would keep you to this country aside from duty. You should focus on what you want to do. You've done so much to earn it, Kashi.
Looking back on everything I've written, I'm guessing you're going to have trouble reading this whenever you find it. I've no doubt Tsume is with you. Maybe he'll end up reading this for you.
My final wish, the wish I pray the gods and elders hear, that if they cannot change our future, I pray that when we're reborn, I can be a true brother to you and repent for the wrongs I've done in this life. That is my final wish, to be your brother. it is the only improbable thing I can hope for, because even improbable things are possible.
Ipo Von Willow.
 Your Missing Period · Mon Apr 29, 2013 @ 10:25pm · 0 Comments |
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