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Weekends are bad for me. Always, like until summer, because it's the only time Jon and I get together. And the summer Jon lives with us anyway so it's not like our time is restraned. I just hate it. I want to spend time with you, but.......I mean, I've been going through a really rough time lately, though I don't show it much. I don't useally let people get really close to me. But Jon...He knows everything about me, he's my everything, and I'm so scared he'll hurt me, or I'll hurt him. And it's like part of me knows he won't but the other dosen't and I've been beaten and abused so much in life....I know I really complane about it alot, but.......I mean.....I just can't let go. I know in the end, life sucks, you lose everyone you love, then you die. But I'm happy and I smile to keep everyone around me alive, even if I'm dying inside. But Jon can see right through me, and he promises me every night I fall asleep in his arms, that he loves me, will always love me, and will never leave me or hurt me. I know he's not lying.......I just know it, but I can't help but being afriad. He's my whole life. But so are you, and everyone else. But I haven't just gotten to go out with my friends in so long, but when I'm not near him........I feel like I'm suffocateing. Like I'm a fish and he's water. Even just to get off the phone for a half-hour to write an essey or something, it hurts just not to know he's there. I'm such a stalker redface
And I mean, he's so shy, so I don't want to force him into another situatuon like the last time you came over. This weekend my parents are going on a business trip some where, so I'm going up north to Union Beach with him. I'll give you his username, that way you can talk and get to know eachother better. I just want to..........to make sure I'm there for you. I will be, even if I'm dying, I will be......
I have so many little problems, and they all seem so insiginifacant. I wrote an essey about my life for Creative Writeing and once I heard eveyone elses, I realised I was saying all these things in my life, which seem huge to me, hurt me so bad, but they're so small, so pointless, I shouldn't be so effected by them. But I am. I'm so afraid of everyone hurting me and leaveing me, I eather don't get too attached or, in my love's case, I live in constant fear. I'm always cowreing, and apologizeing. He always told me it's not my fault, and I shouldn't be scared that he'll hurt me because he won't, he never has, he never will. But I've been beaten and ridiculed and betrayed so much......it's like every insult, every cruel act, was a cut, and left a scar on my soul, so now, all that's left is this ball of scars. Jon is blameing himself for me being like this now, and he is the least to blame of anyone I have ever known. He cries, because he can't help me, and slams his head into things, because he's.......we both are really helpless. I know what has happened to me isn't that bad at all and it shouldn't effect me like this, but Aspergers kids have this problem: we cannot let ANYTHING go. No matter what. It's literaly something I can't do. And I've been trying so hard to write this down, but I just....I didn't know...at all how to fix it....please help?
Thanks I guys. I've been trying really hard, sometimes I just lay down and wonder how to make it stop, and even if I don't breath a sound, Jon knows when I'm crying. I just don't want to hurt him anymore because of the way I am. He....just seems so helpless and sometimes he just asks me if I would kill him, and I realize he loves me so much and I'm so sick, I make him feel so guilty he wants to die. He feels like he failed me. Then he just......he just can't get me to stop. I curl into a little ball and scream "I'M SORRY" over and over and over, and he just loses it. He says it feels like he's being stabbed every time I go into one of my little fits. He keeps telling me that it's okay and he's here and he loves me but all I do is live in my stupid fear, and I can't let go......... I just want to stop hurting him. But I'm so scared of him hurting me
A girl asked her boyfreind if he thought she was pretty.
He said NO
She asked if he liked her.
He said NO
She asked if he would cry if she left him.
He said NO
As the girl walked away, tears streaming down her face, her boyfreind grabbed her arm and said:
"I dont think you're pretty, I think you're beautiful."
"I dont like you, I love you."
"I wouldn't cry if you left me, I'd die..."
