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I have always been big on thinking about the future. I picture what my life is going to be like and I don't mind that I think into the future. When I look at someone, I like to think that I will still have them in my life, even ten years from now. I actually like that I look into what I want for the future. And I know that my life may not be how I imagine it would be, but it still gives me hope. I think that is the optimistic part of me that thinks like that.

Today was different though. I was thinking about the past, to an extent. It just kind of made me sad, thinking about how things went over with someone I used to care about, someone that I thought of as my best friend. I put my trust into someone and they kind of screwed me over and because of him I guard myself pretty well.

I fear that I may guard myself too much though. I say this because I don't really let people in. I think it is really dumb of me to fear opening up because of what he did. I mean, it was an awful act, but that doesn't mean that's how it's going to be. Being cheating on by someone has a way of tearing them down and making them feel like they don't matter. And knowing it is because you did something, or in my case didn't do something, makes it even worse.

After all of this time, I think that I am beginning to learn something though. Him doing what he did wasn't really because of me. I wouldn't do the things he wanted so he looked for them else where. After all of this time I am beginning to understand that it wasn't entirely my fault. I think it is just the feeling of not being good enough is what scares me the most.

Slowly but surely, however, I'm starting to look at things in a more positive manor. I'm starting to realize that I might not be that bad after all. I may be awkward and shy and sorta strange, but it's those things that make me who I am and I am not going to give in to anyone. I am slowly becoming proud of who I am, and the more I do, the happier I become. And I think that I will slowly be able to let people in without making them climb over such a high wall.