Breaking up with him was like also breaking up with the part of me that was lost in the past.. now, there is no way to understand that statement without going into detail here.
When I was with the guy from my previous post(he can be Luke), he had me on a nice fishing line.. that's how I like to describe it. He had me when he wanted me and then let the line loose when he didn't... Maybe a dog leash is a better way to compare it, because I followed him with a blind and faithful love, just like a loyal dog.
Where was I going with this?!
Hah.. right! So eventually Ben came around and I was telling him about Luke, and how I was there when ever he asked, but he was never committed... eventually Ben started to convince me that I didn't need Luke, and of course his suggested alternative was himself... So we spent some time together.. and I told Luke I would no longer be able to see him as anything more than a friend. He didn't like that.. but it wasn't because he cared about me.. he just cared about himself..
At some point I gave up my life where I was and moved away with Ben. I left behind my family, my dog, my life, my love........
I tried to love Ben, but I didn't. I think he came into my life at the wrong time. I wasn't ready to forget Luke and move on... I thought about him a lot. I argued with Ben a lot. Our personalities didn't mix well. I cried often. Eventually I shoved my feelings away, suppressing my passions and emotions. Of course I still felt things like sadness, anger, and happiness.. but I was never fully in the moment. I was numb, and living on auto pilot. I smiled, frowned, laughed, cried at the appropriate times but I was never fully feeling the emotions.
I just explained all that so I could explain why breaking up with Ben was like breaking up with Luke...
I believe being with Ben was a constant reminder of the things I left behind... I could never be over Luke when I thought of him every time I was upset with Ben.
Now that Ben and I are over, I'm over Luke. It's all in the past. None of it matters anymore.
The whole point of that was so I could talk about how I am now that I'm single.
It's confusing. I'm feeling more passionate about the things I used to love. I remember I used to always have my headphones on, always listening to music. That's one passion that disappeared with my emotions, and it's returning.
I'm noticing things like the beauty in the sky, and I smile and feel happy.
I'm still trying to figure out who I am again, or who I am now, and I'm excited about life again.
I guess that's all I can think to type right now, so here's to better days!
Keep your head up strong
You'll get lost less often
Feel your heartbeat
Follow it now
You'll get lost less often
Feel your heartbeat
Follow it now
