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People Always Ask Me What's Wrong, Well, Here's Your Answer

Meh, I'm not athletic, I don't freakin god damn care. I just about screw up at everything, the only thing I can slightly achieve in is art and my school work, though I even manage to find a way to make a million mistakes in those too.

People ask me who I like, I say no one. They ask me if I like guys, I say no, then they start going on about me being a lesbian, though I'm not that either. It's more like I feel like I'm going to be alone the rest of my life because nobody will ever like me, at least stay with me once they get to know me more.

I once had a great friend, one of the people you'd think they'd never leave you no matter who you were. I had a friend like that, Todd, from my grade 2 class. It was the greatest school year I ever had. I was sent to a new school each year, it wasn't because I was bad or anything, and it was something to do with my education and the school board of the district I was in.

I have a speech disability, I'm not sure if I was born with it or it had been self inflicted. I am pretty shy; I don't like to talk too much. If I do try, somebody either stares at me or I'm not even heard or considered even there anymore, if I ever was in the first place.

Onto the point of this, I was only at that school for one year. It was fun while it lasted, I had a great time with everyone in my class, though it was a variety of grades from grade 1-3 that needed Spec-ed, also known as the -special help- classes. At the end of the school year, I literally cried until I couldn't anymore that night because I knew I wasn't going to see them anymore.

It turned out that Todd didn't live too far away from me, so I still got to see him. Our time together though didn't last long, when he had moved away and it was a bit of a scary coincidence I moved into his old house. He lived far away, and now I really know what they mean when they say a long-distance relationship won't work.

I would sometimes go out to visit him and play with him like we always used to, and he'd show me around town. It was all fun while it lasted. Then we eventually started to see each other less, then his father was dieing. Then I wrote a poem in attempt to cheer him up, I poured my heart and soul into it. Note: I think this was about 3 years ago. Then the last time I saw him was when I went to the funeral, he left with this girl, you can probably guess how I felt, but the idea didn't come to me sooner unfortunately.

We were writing letters to each other, telling us how much we missed each other and all that stuff. Well, I know now it was just a hollow lie. A while after the funeral, he started talking to me less, never heard from him, he never called, and he never wrote back to my last letter, I never saw him again. I convinced myself his or my letter got lost in the mail, but I know he would've called me or something. That?s how it ended.

It took me a long time to get the idea he wasn't ever going to contact me again, he had left me alone. I guess he had just left me for someone else, isolated me from him so he wouldn't ever say -it' to my face. Well, at least I think he wasn't that cruel hearted to actually do it. This, is why, I'm always so sad, and I'm afraid I'll be alone for the rest of my life, because nobody will ever love me, or I'll be too afraid of it happening again, I don't know how much my heart will be able to take until it breaks.

This is partly why I'm so unnaffectionate, it seems disgusting to me now after all that. The only time I hear "I love you" *shivers at the words...* Is from a relative or a friend, or from somebody else as cruel joke...*sigh*