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I'm struggling... Every day is tortue and the more I live through it, trying to convince myself that I don't need you and that I can handle this, the more I realize that I'm falling apart within myself.

You help me more than I could ever realize and I could only realize how much of a ******** fool I've been when you've finally left my life. You've helped me center myself. Gain control of my senseless thoughts running around all over and gave me focus when I needed it the most. Gave me a purpose and gave me a breath of life to pursuit it with all of my strength...

Now I just feel empty being at this portion of the race. Watching everyone either struggle or jolt past me as I remain in my lane, looking around for you in the crowd. That one spot that I always knew you'd be sitting... You're gone. I try to keep my head leveled on the race, focusing on the usual... But nothing feels the same without you there rooting me on, your voice reassuring me that I can do the things I doubt I can do.

At work, I feel myself slipping the hardest. I feel myself losing the empathy I once had for the people I worked with. Now just trying my best to either avoid them all together or complete the job as fast I can. Fear my own self-confidence will fade away because of each mistake and problem that occurs that I can't fix. Each problem surfacing you and me; the lack of me being able to fix the mistakes I've made and forced to live through it now. The self-realization of that alone sends bolts of fear through my veins as I look at another customer, demanding my assistance with something I have little to no actual knowledge on. Had it been on my field of expertise or I was trained for it, I'd be handling it perfectly... But every fight in my life has been uphill. My love life, my social life, my everything... I'd like it for once... Back in your arms... To feel like I don't have to fight so damn hard anymore.

I hit that vending machine hard, trying to get some sort of fake strength from these energy drinks. Just hoping the next one will make me blank out just so I'd have a reason to miss another call... Secretly wishing that the next one was you.

I stomp my way back home, shutting off everyone and everything in prayers that I don't spark something in my numb fingers and heart. Looking over, feeling something draw my attention... It had to be that b***h. It had to be someone wearing SOMETHING that you'd wear or SOMEONE looking like you that causes my heart to stop beating and make my mind race several times before I realize she's leaving, glaring at me with disgust after I stripped her naked several times for several stops. I hold myself, trying to suppress a scream that I've been dying to let loose...

I flip my stream on and find familiar names, happy viewers, and a crippling depression in hopes that you might be my biggest fan in watching my stream...I do my best to forget that we started this together... Only finding deep within myself that I want you back as my co-host again...

I throw her on my bed. The ugliest thing I've laid eyes on... Yet I'm not picturing her, it's you. It's this sick drug that keeps me going. It doesn't fix anything anymore. It's long since lost its glamour and sparkle and now it only adds on weights as I stay sitting up, looking over at the heap of a mess that I keep getting myself into. I criticize others around me for their vices like drinking and smoking... Yet I'm throwing my body to those who find more pleasure with it than I do with myself... Trying to feel even the faintest of sparks that you gave me...

I try to say those words and feel the weight of it again. I try to find myself in love once more and forget those beautiful nights we've shared. But, she can easily see past my drudged eyes and the coarse words that I've longed since repeated like a broken record. She knows better because she fears you, knowing I'd drop her like a hot mess once again... and again... and again... and again... and again...

I glare at my phone, holding back my tears of frustration and anger as I wake up late nights with beautifully haunting dreams of us. Ones where we're lovers once again. Others where you hatefully scold me and show me that you're over me while being with Mike, the smiles that I die inside wishing I could put on your face again. I hurl my cell away, trying not to give in to those desires of a late night dial in fears I'll wake you up and summon a hell storm of likes I can't begin to imagine...



i miss you... please talk to me again...