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I find myself blankly starting out at the sky through my window, not registering the view before me. What is wrong with me? How could I not notice this gorgeous view outside my city window? For a city, it’s pretty damn beautiful. Yet I don’t even notice. I snap myself out of it and gather my thoughts. I really don’t know what is wrong with me. Nothing catches my interest anymore. I can’t seem to find a happiness in my day or anything I usually like. I make myself reassess my view in a positive light. I make myself scan the blue sky, fluffy cotton like clouds. I used to love staring at the sky as kids. I take in the green trees and the mountains in the distance. It all really is just so beautiful. It frustrates me that I am so disconnected I can’t notice the beauty around me. I wish I knew why. I hope it’s not because…

*****

Even when I toss and turn, I find those eyes looking back at me in my mind. Exasperated I sigh and put my head to my forehead, feeling and anxious and desperate. I let out a breath and roll over and readjust my head on my pillow. I ease my breath and try to relax my muscles as if they are melting. I relax as I imagine soothing darkness. Then, those eyes appear again. The feeling he had given me reminds my heart, and a tickle grazes inside my chest. My eyes flutter open, but I close them again and try to maintain my breathing and the darkness. Still, I feel tears leaking out of my eyes. What has this man done to me? Will I ever get my heart back? Will he ever come back? Will WE ever get a chance? I feel so silly. No, stupid is more like it. 2 dates and hours of video chats. Stupid, stupid, stupid. I realize I am quietly sobbing as my face sticks to the pillow. I finally had the gall to open my heart up and give someone a chance to pick it up and take it in their hands and this is where it got me. I sure hope he comes back...dammit go to sleep already!!! How come it seems like no one else has this much heartache in dating? They all seem so happy with their partners. Some adult I am. I feel the ache in my heart for him to return. I’ll never forget under the sunset the look in his eyes as he gazed back at me during our conversations. Even now I can see the sunset shining in his eyes. Please come back to me. I don’t know how I got my heart to still itself but I somehow dozed off finally.

*****

I feel the light hit my eyes and my chest immediately tightens. I keep my eyes tightly shut as I try to push the dread away and keep my mind dead asleep. I don’t want to remember anything. I don’t want to think about anything. Or else I will have to carry this dreadful and heavy feeling with me again. I am still not able to admit the level of heartache I am going through to myself because I do not want to feel any stupider than I already do for letting someone else, much less a man have any effect on my happiness. I keep pushing myself off to sleep but it never lasts long, more than 20 to 45 minutes. And I always seem to wake up more anxiously then the previous time. Then something disturbing starts to happen. I don’t know if this happens to anyone else, but it certainly does with me. It seems that longer I push myself back to sleep, the more my subconscious likes to play my anxiety and fears out as dreams when I am lightly sleeping. I have woken up from light sleep having an argument in my head many times. It’s kind of ******** actually if you think about it. Life can’t even do me the kindness of letting me depress sleep like other normal depressed adults. Then again how many normal adults pine for a man they have spent time with in person only twice? Jesus, ******** me.


Will be continued when it feels right smile



Internet copying is a problem for artists and writers. Please respect my work it comes from my heart. Written by AEN92

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