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Ever get the feeling of extreme loneliness? Where everything inside you is completely empty? As if your heart, your lungs, and everything have been completely ripped out of your being?

I wonder if it truly is an hormonal imbalance or if it's something else. A want or need...

I've never really believed in the holiday or Christmas spirit. Perhaps when I was a child, yes, but I haven't been one for a long time no matter what people say.

It's melodramatic to say so, yeah sure, but people know themselves better than they think they do.

I have a small hope that perhaps something good will come out of this seasonal time. It's small, yeah, but it's there. Generally I don't do hope. And I don't mean the small trivial hope of getting an 'A' on a test I didn't study for. I mean that true blue type of hope that makes you feel all the more powerful for it.

I don't feel powerful (anything but, actually) but I can still hope. It's that breaking point where you feel as if you'll go insane if something doesn't change soon.

I won't say that I want a boyfriend or a soulmate for Christmas (though I wouldn't complain if I did) but I would like someone to talk to. I mean REALLY talk to. That certain someone whom you can spill everything and I mean EVERYTHING to and they would understand. I'd like someone whom I can devote my entire being to and to give love to and be loved from.

It sounds like a romantic love, yes, and in a way it is. But I don't necessarily mean someone who will spend the rest of their life with me or anything overly sentimental like that. But someone whom I can call at night and just talk to and not to have to worry about intruding on their time because we just KNOW when the other needs help.

Someone whom I can rant about my obsessions to and not be judged. Because I do understand the mechanics of obsession. Too well, in fact.

I would give up all my Christmas presents and birthday presents for this year and the next and all the years after that. If it meant meeting this person for even a day. Because then I'd know that there was somebody who truly understood me and truly loved me for what I am and for what I was and will be if even for a short time.

It's illogical to meet such a person. Knowing Murphy's Law, I'll probably meet someone I absolutely loathe for Christmas.

But for once in a long time, I'm hoping. I've even cried over such a hope so it must mean something. I've cried more times this week then I usually do in a year. Hopefully I'll find a remedy to this... ailment or whatever it is that I have.

Wish me luck.