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Yep, that's me today, prancing about looking like Anne Bonny headed off towards prom. rolleyes As I mentioned before, Gaia gives me a place to valve off all those dress-up urges I quite obviously have, but for various, possibly but not certainly good reasons, don't indulge in real life.

Self-image is an odd thing. Haven't we looked in the mirror at least once in our lives and said "Who on earth is THAT?". My mental image of myself doesn't always match up with what the mirror says is reality. Before you go jumping to any conclusions about my body image (as in "Yeah, yeah, V. Every woman thinks she could stand to lose ten pounds." wink , that's not really what I'm talking about. Sometimes that person in the mirror just seems, well, not what we expect. Sometimes when I'm all ready for work, I look at myself and see this professional looking person when in fact I know blessed well that I'm just a kid. I think I would be less surprised if I saw Anne Bonny up there in the mirror.

We carry around this mental image, but occasionally we have that image messed with. I've already mentioned the mirror, but people around us are mirrors, too. The Giftie occasionally gies us at the oddest moments. The other day I was out jogging again, down a moderately empty trail by the seashore. It winds around some rises and such, and makes for a wonderful peaceful experience.

My self-image at that point was of the fearless explorer, tough as nails, scorning the sun. Effortless, I ran like a gazelle across the sandy trail, ground squirrels respectfully scattering as I approached. But as you know if you've been reading this journal, the last few days have also been as hot as all get. So I was, as the saying goes, sweating like a pig. Perspiratation ran into my eyes (some day, I'm going to buy a sweatband...) and (how to put this delicately?), my soaked clothing was scrunching itself uncomfortably.

Gazelle-Girl bent over at the side of the trail, and as gracefully as possible, wiped and adjusted everything in the name of comfort. Of course, that's when the first person I'd seen in fifteen minutes rounds the rise on a mountain bike. Bent over and clutching my shorts, I called a good day to him (it would be a him, right?). He just grinned and waved, then was gone a second later.

I finished the run, of course, and was far more comfortable than I would have been without the pitstop. But I no longer thought of myself as graceful, and was acutely aware of the fact that my shorts kept riding up in a possibly all too revealing manner. Gazelle Girl was gone, replaced by Virginia the Out of Shape Exhibitionist in my mind.

Once again though, Gaia is a different world. Here, if I imagine myself Anne Bonny, I can dress up and everyone around me sees me as Anne Bonny, too. Or I can dress my avatar like my everyday self--

and all around will share that more mundane image.

But it's a two way street. I start seeing myself as my avatar as well. Just like the mirror and my friend the mountain biker, that avatar image manipulates how I see myself. Being Pirate Girl today has made me immensely cheerful (yeah, going on the road again, tomorrow). YAAARRRR! Mateys! Similarly, when I'm just my ordinary self, I'm a bit more serious. If I want to post on the Extended Discussion Forum, I tend to dress seriously. Isn't that silly?

Similarly, when I talk to people in Barton, I turn the avatar towards them to talk, move about, and otherwise act like a puppeteer. I understand that puppeteers often think of their puppets as extensions of themselves, or even as themselves. It's not different with avatars, at least for me. I think that's the draw of Barton town--it has a much more "immersive" feeling than simple instant messaging does, because you "see" the other person there talking to you. Even on the forums, you see the avatar with a little speech balloon.

I think this is one reason that the Gaia forums are a little bit less confrontational than other internet forums I've seen (no, really, they are). There's an actual face, albeit a cartoon face, you have to speak to. It's like the experiment where the researchers left a car "stalled" at a traffic light. Sometimes the rear window was blocked, sometimes it wasn't. When the other drivers could see the driver of the stalled car, they were less likely to honk. Absurd, but human nature is intrinsically absurd.

I really realized how much I had started to self-identify with my avatar when a computer glitch hit Gaia. As you may know, the new avatar system has a few bugs. The one that affects me is the fact that my old "suede skirt" doesn't layer properly (I'm wearing a blue jean one now, in case you're wondering). Specifically, when I put it on (er, I mean, when I click on the icon to put it on my avatar), I get this--



redface redface redface redface redface redface
I cannot tell you how much that embarrasses me. In fact, it is only with extreme trepidation that I put it up here at all (I already had to put it on the "bug" complaint thread). Mostly, I'm posting this as an experiment of sorts to see my own reactions, and I am actually blushing for real right now. Look, that's just a cartoon up there. It's NOT me. Heck, it's not even all that realistic (my avatar sticks to her diet better than I do, for one). But in a very real way, after being on Gaia for a month, that is one of my self images. Posting that on the "bug complaint" thread felt like going to my doctor's office and getting examined. Not up there with walking down mainstreet starkers (JFTR, I don't really have any experience with that), of course. More just a vulnerable/embarrassed feeling.

Is this a good thing? Well, I'd say it's just a phenomenon. It's probably up there with phantom limb syndrome. And insofar as Gaia is concerned, I think it's ok. It makes my on the road "dates" with Oxbridge feel like he's in the room with me, so that's very valuable to me. It means that I feel like I'm meeting the people I talk to rather than just reading so much electronic graffiti scrawled on the walls of the internet. And presumably, they see me in the same way. The Gaia has Gie'd us a grand gift. More fundamentally than seeing ourselves as others see us, we have the ability to see each other as the others see themselves. Also, to be honest, it means I will probably have to take down that picture above before I keel over from blushing.