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The letter I wrote my older brother-
Dear Mathew,
In this life we are given two things a mind and a heart. A heart that needs, feels, longs, cherishes and above all else, loves. Later on we are given precious things to care for, but in the end, it's our heart that needs to belong in the center of that world. Without it we are lost, without morals, our mind doesn't work to better our lives and we are dry creatures with no substance. Our mind helps our heart mantain a clearview of the world, a hold on sanity, a comfortable chair to sit in. Our mind is a structure of purpose. Without it we can do unthinkable things with feelings and emotions, but with it we are grounded. Most people have different kinds of hearts, unfortunately, mine, is too large, too swollen, too filled with emotion and caring.
The other day I recieved letters from you to your family, nothing to me, your sister, who up till now, has done everything possible for your PRECIOUS THINGS, over even my own children, but I did get this. A clarity on your heart. What works inside your brain. It must hurt to be filled with such malice and hate. So much blackness and unrisistance to say the right thing. Did I read your letters? Yes, the kids first, why? Because, what are you telling these poor children, who everyday miss their daddy and can't even believe you are sick because you are stronger then the world? That you could never faulter in their eyes, and you will forever be the embodiment of a hero to them, because I won't let you be anything less, no matter what happens down the road. Slowly, you are trying to turn them against us, later on, as if we didn't give all of ourselves to them. Our Hearts, Souls and Minds. Let alone the ability we don't have control over, our money. I am lost to this fact. Are you dying? If so, don't react with tears, these children need stability and even if it's small you are all they have. Then I read your letter to Lisa, for believe or not, I care for her, enough to know, a letter of death and tradgedy, Good byes and I love yous aren't going to help her, they are going to send her over the edge. And what do I read, a diminishing letter of my character. I am self riotuous? Am I? Well you know what, you should really think about who it is who has been the grown up in your life since I was only 13 years old. Who worked her a** off just to get brought down by a brother I admired, who I loved above all others. I am still that little girl inside who can not turn away from you and yell "No!" but I have changed. Maybe I should be self-riotuous, because you know what, I damn well have the right to be. In my short life I have matured, become a mother and everything you and Lisa can't be. I am not putting you down, because I know damn well you both have the potential to wake up and live for your children alone, but you never will. WHy? Because you are selfish. The drop of a bad situation and you are abandoning the only thing in your life worth more than your precious drugs, your precious "LIFE" with mommy and doing god knows what. Then you are blaming Xavier, a child who never even had a chance to grow, and form and breath on his own for being careless. How dare you! You don't deserve me! You don't deserve this family, and most of all you do not deserve those beautiful children.
Do you really think I wanted all this? That I wanted to disrupt my comfortable, happy exsistance to take care of your children, to walk to the assitance office, to gain custody, to do everything I could just to live this life of unrest and stress. Come into my world for a while. I have stress Mathew, you want to know a little bit about what it's like to be me? Here's a storyline for you.
After I had Alexander I was told I could never have anymore children. Here I am, whether it was a lie or not, a mere mistake, but 18 years old, told I am never able to have another baby, for the rest of my God-given life. That Alexander, though the love and joy of my world, would be an only child. I accepted it. For two years, I lived, saying, "Oh well, it could be worse." But inside I cried. I had no one, but mommy. Amy had her own problems, I couldn't trust Lisa, though I wanted too, for everything I told her, she lied about. I couldn't tell you, because you are too passionate with your hate to even see what the real problem was, and Eric, well, you know, I love him, but I can't share personal secrets with, and Amanda, she's equally as selfish. All I wanted was another baby, I didn't care if I would never have more than two, I didn't. I just wanted to know that I wouldn't be 30 years old and wishing and wanting and cursing all these young girl's around me for the fact that I couldn't have babies and they could. All this and what happens? Lisa get's pregnant, again. Here I am, wanting, and living a mighty fine life, my husband makes good money, we live in a house, we have a car, we are content, life is good. And you two, who can't find work, are living off the state, are able to get pregnant, probably with barely trying. Sure, shortly after, I learned I was pregnant with Tristan, but the doctors watched me for 9 months with him, afraid I was going to tear in half from his weight and at worst both the baby and I would be gone from this life. So yeah I was a little bitter, for a while, but you know, I learn to get over things, because that's me. Second to everyone, the back burner family to you, to Amy. The back burner pregnancies, to Lisa, to Amy. The back of everything. But what do I do? 7 months pregnant with Alexander, I throw Lisa a baby shower she never got for Matthew. I buy her a new high chair, fabric for a nursery. I do! Why? Because that's who I am. She get's pregnant with Tricia, I throw her a baby shower again, because why? Because I felt she deserved it. For no other reason than to get out of the house. So here I am, trying to keep my pregnancy a secret, because Lisa finds out she's pregnant, a month later, Amy finds out, and all the while, I am being examined and proded to make sure all is safe for the first three months. When Xavier died, I cried myself to sleep every night. I did my best, I became a heart,when she was pregnant I invited Lisa over for lunch to talk about baby stuff, read baby magazines, I always made something yummy even if I was throwing everything and anything up, but she refused to eat. So here I am wondering, was it my fault, was I that bitter, did I not offer enough. Then in my mind I am picturing you, my big, strong, tough brother, broken by the life of this child no one got to know. That hurt me. When Lisa treated me like crap after that because I was pregnant and she wasn't, I excepted it. I allowed it, because I figured it was going to happen. I found pamplets from my doctor on group meetings for women who have lost children, stillbirths, etc. She refused them. I did what I felt was right, not because I am above all else, but believe or not I worry about everyone, everyday, and I never think of myself when I should. I was always that way remember, ALWAYS. And now I am no longer, now I will be selfish. I am not your secretary, I don't need to call Tallman for you, I don't need to find out what is happening to Lisa, I don't need to do a Damn thing, and this is it. I am no longer, soft, sensitive, back burner Gretchen. I should be the front of the line to everyone, to you, to mommty, because everything I have done in this life deserves recognition. I deserve that Cloud of beauty and grace to sit upon and a small little crown, because damn if I haven't been through enough because of all you damn people and never once complained, never once asked why, never once turned my back if I could help.
So where does this all lead us now? YOU are Selfish, unknowing bastards, who need to wake the ******** up and realize that you were given two gifts; your children, a family who up until now would have done anything for you, and life is damn short.
I am done Mathew. Done! I have been your stepping stone and crutch for way to long. But you know the sad thing, I am the sensitive one, which means, I can't just stop loving you. You are my brother and I will always love you, no matter what you have done to me in the past, the pain you put me through, the fear. The disease that ripped through my body because of my nerves, the fact I shake and cry whenever my husband raises his voice even slightly, for fear he might hit me. The fact I don't want to ever leave the house. Yes, this is all because of you, yet through all that "I still love you" Me. Everyone else might turn their backs, but in the end I can't turn away my heart. Wake up Mat, you knew this was bound to happen. You can only control and manipulate us for so long, so I am done. Don't call me anymore, I don't care. The children are with mommy, if you need her to know something or want the kids to read something, write her there, you have her address. I am sending no more letters for either you or Lisa after this. I am not your secretary. I am physically, mentally, and emotionally done. After writing this I am better, my migrane is done, my body doesn't hurt, I feel free, and I haven't felt free in 12 years. I have been the big sister in this situation, I should sit on my "self-riotuous pedastal" I deserve to be there. I am better than the rest, because you told me to never be lower. I have worked hard, Gabriel has worked hard and remember this, threats are all you can give us now, because truly you want to be wrong, I can do them right back. I have the power and I am not afraid to use it. The next time you want to talk to me, write "Me" a letter. Don't gang up on me with Lisa, don't call me names, don't put me down.. This is your chance now, because if you don't "MAKE IT UP" to me, you are over in my life, and I can't believe me out of everyone is saying this, but I feel I have too. I have to because if I don't I will forget what is more important to me now, my family, my boys, my husband, mommy, Eric, all my nieces and nephews, my sisters, even you. But to me, Lisa stopped being my family when she went Allen on me. I am lost to them, but you still have a chance. I love Patricia and Matthew, they are to me like the need for rain. I need them or my heart can grow. I will do for them like I would my own children, but they deserve parents that would do that as well. Wake up and stop doing the woe is me, acting as if we are to blame for your current situation. I have never so much as had a DUI, a ticket, a endangerment charge, while you and Lisa have managed to screw up the short early years of your life, even when your children should have been the center of it, you made yourselves that center. So get over it, you can't control me anymore.
I am finishing this letter with this. You are done for me, you aren't that brillant musician who used to inspire me to write, you aren't that person who could sit with me for long hours and talk. you are still that cruel, b*****d who used to hit me and make me frightened to come home from school everyday. So realize that. BUt you are even less than that man. You are a sad excuse for anything, you aren't powerful. You had more power to me, searching for frogs in the river with Matthew and Alexander than you do now. Now you want to have power and you are secretly trying to get us to believe you have it. So, I am sorry, but this is the last letter you will get from me, I won't be answering my phone anymore when you call and I will be giving all your mail to my house to mommy.
----my name----
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