The thing about personal problems that makes them so terrible is how deeply personal they are. They always seem to find whatever c***k you have in the armor that you’ve built up around yourself, and they attack you where you’re most vulnerable setting off a chain reaction of other issues. That’s where I find myself at present, wallowing in more than my own share of misery and self pity, and wondering if any of this is really worth it.
As always, it starts with a fight over something that really, in the larger scheme of things, is minuscule. But when it’s a culmination of these minuscule things, I reach a breaking point, and I’m really getting tired of being let down. I just can’t do it any more, and this last one hurt deep. It’s shaken my confidence in a lot of things, least of all my ability to maintain relationships with people; I went a long time without having them, perhaps I simply expect too much from people? And if that’s the case, what else am I expecting too much out of?
Probably everything; I can’t keep one of my closest friendships from floundering, and that should come, not easily but with some kind of natural dexterity. It’s what friends do. Or should be. But I can’t. I can’t just shrug it off, I can’t just leave it alone, and I can’t just leave it hanging. There’s a lot of things I can’t do right now. I can’t deal with people. I can’t stomach my job for reasons even I don’t know. I can’t handle my work load. Hell, I don’t think I’ll ever handle grad school, or even get there. I try, but like everything else, there seems to be some kind of block, and I literally can’t get my head around half of what they’re trying to teach me now, I can’t think they way I need to in order to be successful. I’m simply mediocre, at best, and seem to have somehow over stepped all of my boundaries. I’d pack it all in now, save myself some trouble, if I had something to go back to.
I don’t even have it in me any more to be spiteful, and use that as a driving force. So if I can’t prove anyone wrong, that I’m in some way, shape or form better, and I already know I have no chance at success, what the hell am I doing? I’m 22, and have nowhere to go and I no longer have any ambition to try and get anywhere.
Yeah, it was a bad day and I should be able to move on beyond that, but it’s not just that. And I know that my insecurity is showing, and that most of this sounds like groundless foolishness, but it’s not. It’s an almost daily battle just to haul myself out the door, to go to class and work, and this is something that’s just been getting worse rather than better. It’s not something that I’ve been able to tell anyone about because any time I’ve tired, I get the same answers: “You’re over reacting.” “Is it really that bad? Why?” or my favorite “I don’t know what to tell you.”
Neither do I; I don’t know what to tell myself, and I keep looking for an answer for where do I go from here. But there isn’t one. I feel completely boxed in.
So yeah. You might say I’ve had a bad day. And on principle, I’d have to agree. But then say that there’s so much more to it than that.
The Bookwyrm Community Member 
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Community Member
Just breath
As long as you do that you will make it.
after breathing come walking and talking and quatum scienes.
but for right now, just work on the breathing.
mrgreen Green? SuperGreen!!!