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A long time ago i started writing a story,
i said it was like a dream... it wasn't. Most of it had happened in real life... well... not really. But i had to add a drop of fiction to make it interesting, y'know?
sadly i'm too lazy to type it all out right now, so i'll do it later...
this is an excerpt from the journal that helped me get through my bully days, and get 200 dollars off about 15-cent-pages sold at 2 bucks each.

how to deal with bullies
all that s**t they tell you at school about "how to deal with bullies" may seem very... 'eh lets face it, it's really gay. i'm not saying anything against the gay crowd, but it's like fruitcake squared... no pun intended...really...
Right, here's a few fun ways to deal with bullies that ACTUALLY WORK.

1. dealing with "monkey in the middle".
scenario: some a*****e took some s**t from you and is tossing it around with his friends to prove that his d**k is bigger.
Solution: tackle one of the ******** randomly and beat the s**t out of him until they give you back your stuff, if they dont, the kid you're beating up will in turn beat up the kids that "wouldn't stop that guy we were teasing".
side note: It works most effectivley when there's only two to three, because if they're real assholes, they might gang up on you...

2. Dealing with "[name] sucks c**k!" and other gay jokes.
scenario: some a*****e must prove his d**k is bigger by saying that you blow other guys.
solution: fake a lisp [commonly known gay accent] and say "Oh, he's just angry because when he dropped his pants i went 'ooh [GIGGLE DAMN YOU!] look at the tiny little guy, this is the smallest i've ever seen...'" if that doesn't ******** with him, nothing will. the whole point of all this is to prove that he has a bigger d**k, therefore you can nullify it by admitting to anything they say, and turning it around to make their manhood to seem smaller than [lispy voice] "the other guys i've blown"
Side note: When the gay kid in class asks you about it, show him this journal which i hope to have copied en masse by 2002

3. "mom" jokes, "that's what SHE said"
Scenario: just about any mom joke that goes "your mom" or "that's not what your mom said last night" or "that's what SHE said".
solution: clap. no really, just ******** clap. most of them are lame, if you applaud them their brain will start twitching. If it's a really elaborate one, or one that's actually GOOD [VERY rare], pretend he was talking about his own mother...
they can get really goddamn funny!

4. Physical abuse
Scenario: some a*****e is hurting you physically for kicks.
solution: Moan suggestivley. even if he knocks your wind out, afterwards in a raspy voice go "Oooh... you made my pants sticky!"
that really ******** with them, they want to inflict pain. not pleasure.
Side note: if you're gay, and it's a girl beating you up, DO NOT DO THIS...THAT SADIST a*****e CHICK WILL RAPE YOU! [coming (NO PUN INTENDED!) from a gay kid that found out the hard (NO PUN INTENDED) way...on multiple occasions... and after the fith time i started getting addicted to the feeling...]

5. extortion
Scenario: bullying for money...
Solution: bills: masturbate on them, and wrap up the c**. when he comes [NO PUN INTENDED!] to pick up his daily income, he'll find a warm surprise waiting for him... see if he ever tries to take money from YOU ever again. If he beats you up refer to number 4. if he goes "reverse phycology" and starts blowing you, enjoy the feeling and tell all you friends ASAP

6. "Mmmm...."
Scenario: straight kid starts hitting on you, this is ALWAYS done in front of a group. it's a "sacrifice" for the viewing pleasure of the others. Usually by groping, body rubbing, and/or suggestive moans.
Solution: grapple his d**k and go "No, you PAY first!"
worste that could happen is that you get 50 bucks for blowing a guy with a tiny p***s, if you deep throaght it he'll c** in seconds and you'll be done in no time.

7. Elaborate stuff, AKA Miscelleanous
Scenario: usually complex or simple ways of getting stuff to fall on you, like a rudy goldberg gone punkass. or, as is common in japan, something as simple as an old eraser placed inside the sliding door.
Solution: variable... if it includes sticky or messy things like paper moche or milk, say something slutty like "Oooh...thick...just the way i like it!"
if it's something dry or chalky...yeah still do something Uber slutty. Be very grotesque in the nature of it, and make the gay kid in the class go nuts...getting a hardon every time someone tries to ******** with you [NO GODDAMN PUN INTENDED!]

Any other bullying? write it in this section [or send a letter] and then hand it to me, i'll come up with a solution that actually WORKS, not like the sissyass solutions like "Tell them to stop, or tell a teacher"
******** THAT! all that'll happen is that you'll end up being known as the class snitch.
if you're known as the class slut, all the girls will be on your a** EVERY DAY.
and if you're gay? well, you'll get more tail than fifty two football players...PROFESSIONAL football players.